My birthday speech

On the eve of my birthday, I think it's appropriate to share some thoughts about my life that have been on my mind recently.

As many of those who are in closest proximity to me know, this year has been one of incredible growth for me--in more ways than I can count. As a result, it is with immense gratitude that I am able to report that, although I definitely still have a lot of living left to do, I find that I have reached a place in my life in which I finally feel like if I happened to die tomorrow, I would die with the contentment that my life--though still short in many respects--has been full and complete in the ways that are most important. I wonder how many people are able to say that.

I still have many goals and dreams for the days ahead, and I don't plan on slowing down anytime soon. But, I still felt moved to share this new peace in my life and to extend a heartfelt thank you to all those who have touched my life from the biggest to smallest of ways--every bit of it counts and has made me who I am today. I've been incredibly blessed with an amazing family and wonderful friendships and acquaintances, and there's not a day that goes by that I'm not mindful of this. I will be celebrating all of you on my birthday, as I wouldn't now be "ME" without all of you first being "YOU".

Thank you. And I pray that each of you will also come to know this peace that passes all understanding, if you have not tasted it already.

What's Your Story?

We live by the stories we tell.
~Elie Wiesel, holocaust survivor

My pastor shared these words in her Christmas Eve sermon, and immediately I wrote them down as they struck a chord in me. I find this phrase filled with all kinds of meaning. I think it speaks true whether we are talking about external stories, or internal stories. By external stories I am referring to those stories that occur outside of us--the histories and tales we hear from those around us. Sometimes we hear these external stories live, as they are happening. Other stories have been passed on for years, decades...even centuries or longer.

By internal stories I am talking about those stories that make up who we are. They are not just a literal history, as I believe we are all much more than that. Our stories are also our thoughts, our voices, our feelings, our secrets, our desires, our fears, our loves, our dislikes, our tragedies, our celebrations....everything about us that makes up the essence of who we are. Everything that shapes us.

Sometimes the line between external stories and internal stories is quite fuzzy. Some external stories receive such prominence in our lives that we begin to incorporate pieces of those stories into our very selves. They become external truths with which we feel such a meaningful connection that we begin to internalize them and make them part of our own story.

This is why I think this concept of "living by the stories we tell" is so powerful. It's not just about repeating the stories that we've had told to us--the stories of our faith and traditions, the stories of our ancestors, the stories of our "people" (whoever those may be). But, it's also about recognizing the power that storytelling has over our lives even when we don't realize we are in fact telling stories. So many of the stories we tell are so subtle that we don't even recognize them as such.

When I heard these words by Wiesel, they reminded me immediately of another of my favorite quotes:

"To be deprived of one's story is the most ruthless form of oppression."
~T.E. Clarke

If we live by the stories we tell, it is not far-fetched to consider that we sometimes die by the stories that are left untold. To silence someone--to deny them their voice--is probably one of the most destructive weapons you can use against the human spirit. I think in particular of individuals who find themselves trapped under a heavy blanket of silence with secrets they find far too shameful to share. To be deprived of one's story causes alienation and isolation. To kill someone's voice is like depriving oxygen to their human spirit. You might as well be suffocating them with a pillow shoved in their face.

For the past year I have worked alongside many homeless people. I've witnessed the pain of alienation and isolation that many of them have experienced as a result of losing their voice in society. Apart from the obvious need of having their basic needs met, I still recognize that for many of them, their simplest of all needs is just to have someone there who is willing to listen--to hear their story. To be deprived of one's story is not only oppressive, it's dehumanizing.

The other key point that stands out for me with this idea of living by the stories we tell is the fact that it matters absolutely what kind of stories we are telling. There are stories that are affirming and there are stories that are damaging. When we don't recognize the power of storytelling in our lives we are all the more susceptible to the destructiveness of telling damaging stories. When we grow to recognize what stories we are telling--both the external and the internal stories--we start to become empowered and more in control of influencing and choosing what kinds of stories we want to live by.

In many ways this past year, for me, has been a time of paying more attention to myself as a storyteller. The past few years have taken me through some major life changes--just about any life change one could imagine--and this journey has taken me to many different places and provided me with many new stories. As I learn new stories about myself I find myself recognizing that some of the older stories have now run their course and are ready to come to an end. As I hear new stories I get energized and inspired and find myself thinking ahead to what new chapters or sequels lie ahead. Some of these will be external stories, and I simply have to wait for what's in store, but others are internal stories--stories in which I am the writer and the narrator and the protagonist. Well, okay, I admit in some stories I am still the antagonist as well, but that's what makes a good drama!

As I examine the current expression of my life and am proud and humbled and exhilarated by the fact that I am finally living my most authentic story, I recognize that I've arrived here by wrestling with all of those endless texts, scribbling out multiple rough drafts, throwing the crap stories in the wastebasket (while practicing my hoops with crumpled paper balls), and ultimately recognizing that I am the one with the power to change my story and make it what I want it to be. I know I've shared it before, but this is one of the stories I have been focused on for quite some time:

"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you've imagined."
~Henry David Thoreau

I attribute the place I am at right now directly to all the blood, sweat and tears I have poured out throughout my fitness journey. I recognized before I took the very first step on this journey that my goal was not simply about losing weight--I had the literal premonition that it was the magic formula that was going to allow me to take control and make my life exactly what I wanted it to be.

I made up my own quote the other day as a spin-off of the Thoreau quote: "To make all your dreams come true, you first need the courage to dream them."

Be brave, write down all your dreams, and embrace your role as the storyteller. End the stories that don't need to be told anymore. Write new chapters for the stories that need changing. Begin new stories where you have felt that restless longing.

That's what I've been doing while I've been busy busting my ass at the gym. I'm finally living the life I imagined, and this is only the beginning.

That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.

A People Mover and a Wounded Feeler

I recently set my sights on a particular identity I want to claim for myself: I want to be a People Mover! A few weeks ago, I received an email from a friend who shared comments on how much I move her; this email prompted me to recognize an overwhelming sense of call to this particular mission. I want to be a People Mover! Indeed, this is something I find quite rewarding. I love to share words that touch people--that move them. Perhaps this is simply because I, myself, love to be moved. Affected. To move someone is to touch them emotionally in some way. I've always been a tactile person--yet, I never recognized how that also stretches out into the emotional realm for me. If I can move you, I can know that I am reaching out and touching you...making a human connection.

My sense of calling as a People Mover has been reinforced throughout the past year, particularly through the ways in which I have found myself serving as a source of inspiration for many friends, loved ones, and acquaintances by the success of my endeavors on my fitness journey. This has been an amazing gift for me--knowing that all my hard work, focus, discipline, and success have not only brought about life-changing results for me, but they also extend out beyond me in such a way that others can somehow share in the fruits of my labors. As a People Mover, I see how the choices I make in my own life help me to serve as a cheerleader for others as I inspire them to join me along the way on this amazing journey of life. What a remarkable gift and an incredible honor this has been. While I am excited to share my passion with others, I am also quite humbled.

Earlier this week, I encountered a lovely quote from one of my favorite spiritual sages:

"When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand."
~Henri Nouwen

Ah, yes, that sounds like Nouwen...the "Wounded Healer" himself. In one of his most well-known books, The Wounded Healer, Nouwen shares this wisdom: "In our own woundedness we can become a source of life for others."

Nouwen was a Wounded Healer. This new inspiration by his words instantly moved me to claim another new identity for myself: I want to be a Wounded Feeler! As I encountered this new (to me) quote by Nouwen, I recognized myself in the words...my longing to willingly take on the pain of others, to share their pain and touch their wounds with a warm and tender hand. I saw myself in these words so clearly because I had just days prior expressed my heart-felt love to a friend using amazingly similar words. Just as I wish to reach out and touch others--make a human connection--through attempting to move them, I also wish to do so by reaching out and touching them through standing in solidarity with them in their moments of pain, or grief, or heartache....or any other human emotion, really. Sure, I will happily share in your joy, as well! But, truly, I find that it's the willingness to be fully present with another human being in those places in which they are the most vulnerable, the most delicate, the most in need of feeling the touch of grace, to be the most meaningfully intimate and rewarding experiences in life. It is an honor to be invited into such places. And a blessing for me when someone welcomes my own tears on their behalf. I suppose it's probably the most personal gift I could offer another human being. Actually, this reminds me of another amazing quote I encountered today:

"There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief...and unspeakable love."
~Washington Irving

Ultimately, I realize that my goals of becoming a People Mover and a Wounded Feeler are also a reflection of entering into a period in my life in which I am freely loving myself in a much more all-encompassing way than I've done so before. It is this genuine love of self, and my awareness of the ways in which God wants to use me to touch the world that allow me to fully embrace this calling. In turn, I am finding my life to be infused with a refreshingly new sense of passion and energy as I feel more alive than ever and enthusiastic about my future.

Of course, I wouldn't know how to be a People Mover and a Wounded Feeler without having first been touched by others who reflect these particular gifts. My heart is grateful to the many people in my life who have helped reveal these insights through their own willingness to share themselves with me. Thank you for moving me...and for feeling me.

Warning: Things in this mirror may be larger than they appear!

I've known for quite some time that I'm an oxymoron. I'm a complex mix of many seemingly contradictory qualities or essences...a little bit of yin and yang of everything.

Recently, however, I've finally been coming face to face with yet another truth about myself: I'm also quite an optical illusion. Sometimes I am genuinely surprised and taken aback when I'm engaging with someone (usually someone new in my life, but not always) and I find they have somehow completely missed the "real" me. I'm surprised because I always try in my own way to simply be a very genuine person....and my expectations have been that surely this genuine-ness would find its way to the surface and magically reveal the true essence of "Kristy" to the world around me. I thought genuine-ness was the magic knife that cut through everything....the light that would serve as a sort of spotlight on reflecting my true self to the world. I am finally learning that an important piece has been missing. I've been keeping too much of myself to myself!

This past year has been monumental for me in many respects. Although I've always been a very self-reflective person and intentionally pursued paths which promised continued growth in my life, this year, in particular, has been filled with many key growth spurts. Most of these growth spurts occurred as a result of direct encounters with new people in my life...visitors who met me in a face-to-face exchange, held out their hand before me, and placed in my hand another piece to the puzzle....the puzzle that serves as the very roadmap leading me to the place to which I am trying to go.

Where is it I am trying to go, you ask?

"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined."
~Henry David Thoreau

And on my way there, I am trying to visit this place:

"Don't ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive."
~Howard Thurman

Actually, it's the coming alive part that has really been the most important aspect of the journey--I hadn't realized how much I'd not been living. You can't live the life you have imagined if your aren't even living yet!

Don't get me wrong....I've for the most part had a very good life. Some ups and downs along the way just like any other average human being, but overall I feel I've been plenty blessed in my lifetime. But, I recognized life was not yet everything it could be, and that's something I've been working hard on the last few years....the momentum building as time goes on.

So, back to these puzzle pieces that my fellow life travelers have been handing to me. I liken my experience in receiving each of these pieces back to the story of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden....when they eat of the fruit from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil and "their eyes were opened." Although I'm not trying to draw comparisons about my current experiences with the concept of "sin" as it fits within the Adam and Eve story, I do find the "eyes opening" imagery to be quite descriptive in what I've experienced during each of these puzzle piece encounters. I am very much an experiential learner, and during each of these experiences my eyes literally opened up wider as new doors opened up before me, doors that led both to key new insights about myself and to new visions of the world around me. Each of these pieces has been crucial to leading me closer to the life I imagine....and I've recognized God's amazing grace wrapped around each piece as it's handed to me. Life just keeps getting better.

So, my latest self-awareness as being an optical illusion came about more as a follow-up to one of these puzzle-piece encounters. It came about as I wondered why it felt like I keep finding myself in moments when it seems I am running two minutes behind my own life. I keep missing trains that go by, as I am left waving my ticket in the air while the train fades off into the horizon ahead.

Then I had one of those moments where I woke up one day and realized I am not the person I say that I am. I suddenly realized while I talk about the importance of honesty and transparency in my life...I really don't offer this. Sure, it is indeed important to me and I value it wholeheartedly, just like being genuine.....but I suddenly realized this still doesn't mean I offer this. It suddenly dawned on me, in a very necessary and concrete way, that as an internal processor.....I am hardly transparent at all. As an internal processor I am completely honest and transparent and genuine on the INSIDE....but that looks so much different on the outside.

Suddenly it started to make all the more sense why people keep "missing" the real me: because I am slow to make her available to people. Not by any conscious intention. I've always known that it often takes time for people to get to know me...but I wasn't sure how to go about changing that. As I understood myself, I just thought that being a deeper person meant that it required others to be willing and patient enough in taking the time to get down into those deeper layers with me if they wanted to really get to know me. But now I am finally uncovering the pieces I needed to find that will enable me to be more fully present in the world as a more authentic version of myself in the here and now. I'm uncovering the pieces I needed to find in order to make sense of HOW I'm supposed to go about getting to where I've wanted to be for oh-so-long. I simply need to stop keeping too much of myself to myself! It's amazing how simple it feels when the pieces have been revealed. But I'm an experiential learner, and I just needed to have the right experience that opened the right door.

So my new intention is this: to more actively share with others about what I am thinking, as a way of being more present in the moment with people and sharing more of my true self with them. I realize, for me, that what I am "thinking" is not necessarily as simple as a concrete thought passing through my mind of which I consciously decide yay or nay whether to share aloud. As an internal processor, some of my "thinking" occurs in the very depths of my soul....and often not in clear, articulate form. Still, I recognize that there IS some sort of a small voice inside there that is fairly consistently calling out lines--lines which I am suddenly more conscious of....and realize that these are just as important to share with others in crucial moments if I am to have any hope of living the life that I imagine.

In doing so, I hope to repair the optical illusion situation I have managed to create for myself. So, lookout world: as objects in this mirror may be larger than they appear! I may look quiet and sweet and gentle on the outside....but there's a whole lot of passion just a-waitin' to be unleashed! I'm done keeping myself to myself...I want to share my passion with the world....hopefully in ways that will move and inspire others.

A secret key

"Our strength grows out of our weakness."
~Ralph Waldo Emerson

I ran across this quote somewhere online this morning--I think in an email--and immediately it spoke to me. It's so true! This is the reality I am living right now! I very recently discovered that the very things I considered to be my "weaknesses" were actually simply the shadow side of those things I most covet in myself--my true strengths. I recognized that in order to give the one up, I would have to also hand over the other--and I immediately and adamantly put my foot down and said, "There's no way in hell I am giving that up!!"

This new insight gave me the fresh new perspective I needed to finally bust my way through inner obstacles that I've wrestled with for years trying to overcome.

This past year I have overcome several hurdles of various sorts in my life. I would like to share a very important secret with you now. For, I see that the very key to unlocking each of these gates has been exactly the same for all of them: Acceptance.

Try it! What do you find yourself wrestling or struggling with in your life, currently? Where do you find yourself pouring in endless amounts of energy seemingly to no avail? This is a sure clue that you are likely stuck in an endless self-defeating loop of wrestling against yourself. Stop for a moment and consider what it would be like to just accept this thing against which you are struggling. What word of grace do you need to hear in this moment? Is it something internal or external that needs accepting? Keep in mind, the accepting I am talking about is one that should leave you feeling free and actually more empowered, not one that leads to feelings of resignation or defeat. Genuine acceptance should lead to a greater feeling of wholeness, rather than division.

Acceptance, by the way, is not the final destination. It is the step from which we leap forth into our future. By accepting things are just as they should be, in the here and now, I am now free to leap fearlessly into the life I truly imagine that awaits me just ahead. Who's with me?

Being present in the moment

I've been sick this week. It's been quite frustrating. I just rejoined the gym and want to be working out--can't do that. I'm overwhelmed at work, and not able to function at full capacity while being sick. My enthusiasm for the new year, and all the amazing things going on in and around my life is being thwarted by the fact that I feel absolutely crappy.

I am not severely sick, by any means, but because of the timing of it, with all the crazy busy-ness of December and the holidays....and still feeling overwhelmed with a number of responsibilities at work AND at home....I've reached the level of sickness that turns into home-sickness. It's a reminder to me that I'm still somewhat in exile--my life isn't where I want it to be. I'm not living in the place I want to be living, it's not really "home" to me. I'm in bed, sick, and I want to cry like a baby and whine, "I want to go home...."

Where is home? I think it's true what they say: home is where the heart is. I think of what my heart wants, and indeed, that is the very comfort that comes to mind as I lay here in bed longing for "home."

Tomorrow I will put my eternal optimist hat back on and go back to being more-than-content with where I am in my life; but, for today I am going to let myself just be present with the sadness as I long for the home my heart desires. In the end, I think these moments are just as important in spurring ourselves towards authentic joy.

A Dancing Spirit

On Wednesday, May 19, 2010, I posted my status on Facebook:

It's Wednesday already....which brings us that much closer to Saturday. And we all know what Saturdays are for: DANCING!!! =oD

To which my aunt later responded, "You have to be your grandmother all over again!!!!" For those who didn't know her, my Grandma Messler danced into her 80's....up until the last few months of her life. I was instantly quite moved by my aunt's comment and responded, "Wow, I was just thinking of her the other day. I am deeply touched...that's one of the best compliments I have received in my lifetime...it brings tears to my eyes! If I can succeed in being even a fraction of the woman she was, I will know I have lived my life well!"

This interchange sparked some fresh new introspection, and to my surprise, as I took a closer look at my then-current manifestation in the world, I began to see a lot more similarities than just the dancing. I was moved to tears to think I could be passing along the legacy of my Grandma Messler. Nothing could ever make me more proud. I still have a ways to go, but what an inspiration!

I share the following poem that I wrote in the early morning hours shortly following her death. Grandma Messler was an icon. I remember thinking how incredulous it was that she was not, in fact, going to live forever. Incomprehensible. But, in reality, she does live on--because the spirit never dies.

6AM EULOGY

Dear Grandma
Precious woman
You are love embodied
The heart of God reaching out to the world
Touching lives in remarkably simple ways
Your servanthood gives me something to aspire to
That I might someday be at least a fraction
of the woman that you are
Child of God
Blessed spirit
Beautiful creation
A profoundly silent testimony of faith
You proclaim the Gospel to all with whom you come into contact
Thank you for your gifts
Thank you for your limitless love
and your tender gestures of kindness
Thank you for you, Grandma
Thank you for you

-02/17/1999

I love you Grandma--thank you for being the best kind of role model. Thank you for being you. And THANK YOU for the awesome dancing genes!!!!

A Renewed Love Affair

Today I had an encounter that sparked a deep place in me. It's always so clear when something taps into your passion--you come alive inside in a way that's different from general everyday emotions. I totally embraced the spark and exclaimed, "Today I am having a love affair with my life!" I am a happy, happy girl.

Lately I'd been feeling the itch to get back into a real gym. I quit my gym membership this past spring and have been keeping up with my fitness in other ways. In recent months, with the shorter days and less amiable weather, I'd begun to really miss having access to a gym--particularly the cardio equipment.

As a result of a succession of seemingly-random events, I made the decision this morning to visit the new 24 Hour Fitness gym that just opened up a few miles from my house. In case you don't know this secret: new gyms often have great membership deals you can take advantage of during their grand opening period (such as waived initiation fees and lower monthly rates).

I can't even begin to describe the high that I got from walking into the gym...the anticipation of considering this brand new facility could become my brand new workout center. From head to toe she was beautiful! I felt my insides come alive with a passionate thrill as I anticipated being let loose to play in this brand new playground. I couldn't help but notice how much it felt like I was about to have a new love affair! A love affair all about me--loving myself, my life, and continuing to celebrate all the health and fitness achievements I've made over the past couple of years. It felt good to show the trainer my "before" photo and have him respond with exuberance, "You don't need the gym...the gym needs you!!!"

I'd been needing some sort of a new spark for my workouts. I definitely found it! Today I am having a love affair with my life, and it feels amazing!

Preparing the Heart for Christmas Miracles

The following is an Advent meditation that I began writing several weeks ago, in a laundromat of all places. On this dawn of Christmas Eve, I return to finish the meditation as Advent draws to a close.

From December 7:

“And Mary pondered all these things in her heart…”

These are the words that set me on my voyage into Advent. They were listed as the theme for an upcoming Advent Quiet Day that is being held at the Episcopal Church at which I work.

Pondering…
In her heart…

These words described me as well. And as I was reminded of this passage from Luke, the words lifted me up out of my independent human experience and placed me in a contemplative space within a much grander story. Advent. A time of watching, waiting with expectancy, hope and wonder. Advent. It marks the beginning of the Christian church year…the four weeks leading up to Christmas and the birth of Emmanuel: God-with-us.

I like the following description of the season of Advent: “HOPE is the character of Advent…steadfast hope that Jesus is our light midst the darkness of this world. Blue is the color of Advent…the deep blue sky just as the day is dawning. The biblical texts for the Sundays in Advent are full of rich images of the kingdom that God has in mind for us.”

Advent means coming. In an historical, traditional sense, Advent celebrates the coming of Jesus, the Christ child soon to be born in a manger. In a contemporary, metaphorical context, Advent is a time for preparing our hearts for hope and love and peace to be born again in our lives.

“And let our hearts,
prepare him room.”

These are some of the things I am pondering in my heart.

Advent is marked by dark, winter days in which a small beacon of light shines, illuminating our way. The light of dawn will soon begin to illuminate the deep blue night sky.

“A light shines in the darkness, but the darkness has not overcome it.”

Have you ever really paid attention to the contrast of light and darkness and recognized that in a battle of dark and light, darkness literally can never win. Light can flood the darkness and make it disappear; but with even the faintest of lights…the darker the darkness becomes, the lighter that light will glow. What a brilliant way to conquer darkness!

I am a ponderer. A processor. A heart-thinker. During this Advent time I am trying to direct my pondering in a more focused way. I am looking into my heart, trying to clear out the space, to “prepare the way of the Lord.” To make room in my heart for the future that God has planned for me. To make a home in my heart in which Christ can be born anew. To make room in my heart for love—a transformative kind of love that transcends ordinary human experience.

“For I know the plans I have for you, to give you a future with a hope.”

December 24:

It's amazing what God can do when we simply open ourselves up to following God's plans. So often we try to control things and end up getting in the way; but, when we stand back out of the way and let God go to town, then the MAGIC can really happen--God begins to unfurl the most marvelous of plans for our lives. It ends up being what we've really wanted all along, but we are no longer the ones who are standing in the way, keeping it from happening. When we invite God's plans into our lives, we do indeed receive that "future with a hope."

This week I have been incredibly moved as I bear witness to the work God has been doing in my own life. I've been receiving gifts that I've been waiting for, in some ways, my whole entire life. There are a number of events that transpired to help bring this to fruition in a concrete way, but my realization of it began with my intention of preparing my heart this Advent season--preparing my heart for hope, love and peace to be born again in my life in a fresh new way.

I attended church the second week of Advent and the theme was centered around repenting, based on the story of John the Baptist calling for us to "Repent, for the kingdom of heaven has come near. Prepare the way of the Lord." (Matthew 3:1-12) I recognize that it was my "repenting" that propelled me forward towards receiving these amazing new gifts in my life. To repent means to turn around. Sin is that which keeps us from being whole and being in affirmative, positive, loving relationship with God and others. Therefore, repenting involves those actions in which we "turn around" and return toward the restoration of wholeness in our lives and in our relationships.

For me, this "repenting" took on the action of a new kind of self-acceptance. I had been fighting against a very particular part of myself, until I finally recently began to recognize that this part of me is intimately connected to some of the very things I most value in myself. In my repenting, I turned from trying to escape a part of myself to embracing that very part of me in a brand new way. As a result, I have suddenly smashed through some of what had previously been the biggest obstacles in my life. Obstacles I had wrestled with for years, but found it next-to-impossible to get them to budge on my own. I can't even begin to describe how transformative this new sense of restored wholeness is for me--indeed, it directly enhances the quality of my relationships with God and with all people as I am now free to be my true self in a more complete and authentic way. Again, it's funny what amazing work God can do in our lives when we get out of the way--and, it's often what we've wanted all along, but just were going about trying to achieve it through ineffective ways. Usually I find the phrase "Let go and let God" a little sappy, but in this case I have to admit that it really fits.

Blessings to you this Christmas. May you experience the re-birth of Emmanuel, God-with-us, in a fresh new way this season. May the miracles of Christmas be unveiled in your heart in startling and concrete ways. And may you taste the kind of joy, peace, hope and love that transcend ordinary human experience.

Amen.

Love Yourself. Love Your Life.

I think I'm molting.

Sometimes when I exercise and really push myself to my limits during my workout, I arrive at a state afterward in which I am completely spent...thoroughly exhausted from the inside out. The endorphins have worked their magic and a deep, serious calm flows uninhibited through my entire bloodstream--my insides having been completely hollowed out by all the stress toxins being expelled from my body. In this state I could sleep like a baby.

Sometimes there are moments during my workouts--if I have been working out with a serious intensity, really pushing myself to my limits--in which I also reach an emotional break as I find myself suddenly choking on tears that have suddenly shot to the surface. As I reflect on these cathartic moments, I can't help but wonder how much of our emotional "baggage" is in fact simply being carried around in our bodies in metabolic form. Perhaps in my workouts I'm not only expelling stress hormones but grief hormones, broken-hearted hormones, disappointment hormones, loss hormones, anger hormones, depressed hormonones... It's no wonder some of these emotional ailments can dramatically affect our physical health if they are just floating around inside of us, trying to find a fertile space in which they can anchor themselves and start multiplying like cancer cells.

This past weekend I worked out hard. I danced like a fiend until 2:00am...and then turned around and played nearly 40 minutes of full court basketball the next day. I was completely spent, but it felt good to use up everything I had--as if I was the kind of rechargeable battery where it's best to completely drain the battery before recharging. It felt good to completely empty myself. This was something I was definitely needing.

On Sunday afternoon I was not of much use to anyone--but ultimately, this was good for me. I was thoroughly exhausted, and this caused me to slow down and finally get some much needed down time. In addition to feeling the complete expulsion of stress from my body, I became conscious of something else being lifted out of me. The signs of this came as uncontrollable tears spilling from my heart. But there was no accompanying sadness to the tears, just an awareness of something too simply profound to be able to define. It was something gently becoming detached from deep inside me and floating up, up, up....out into the atmosphere surrounding me. That's when I noticed: I think I'm molting! My outer skin is gently falling away as that bright, fresh, new skin that has been ever-so-steadily growing and forming just below the surface is now getting ready to be revealed. Some sort of transformation is taking place. A quiet, simple transformation; still, it's the unfolding of another scientific miracle. I am both excited and curious to see what this new skin will look like. In many ways I'm sure I will still look the same, but so much of life is hidden in the details. What unique new embellishments will stand out in this new layer of skin that weren't as noticeable or perhaps even present before? I can't wait to find out.

Love yourself. Love your life. And then pay attention: amazing things will happen.

Pulling My Heartstrings

A friend posted the following quote on her facebook page the other day, and I immediately felt its truth speak to me:

"Let yourself be silently drawn by the strange pull of what you really love. It will not lead you astray." ~Rumi

Follow your heart and you'll always know in what direction you're supposed to go. Even those times when the world seems to be yelling, "Wrong Way!"

But, I think there's a catch. I think first we must come to a true understanding of what love really is; for, there are many compelling imitations out there masquerading as love. These imitations, I believe, do threaten to lead us astray.

A Thankful Heart

In some moments I am so deeply moved by the very incredible-ness of life that it leaves me feeling a little verklempt. Today is one of those days. I am feeling immense gratitude for the fact that my life is filled with love, friendship, joy, passion, and play. Sure, life is never "perfect," but some days I do truly wonder, how is it that I ever came to be so blessed? I think it must come down to grace and a thankful heart.

in memoriam - sing. climb. dance.

Earlier this week I ran across the following words from a poem by Kahlil Gibran and was deeply moved. I wept. In 2010 I have known several people close to me who have been wrestling with the grief of losing a parent; my own soul has been touched by their grief in an almost raw way. I share the words now in special memory of all the mothers and fathers of my friends who have died.

For what is to die
but to stand naked in the wind
and to melt into the sun?
And what is it to cease breathing,
but to free the breath from its restless tides,
that it may rise and expand and seek God unencumbered?

Only when you drink from the river of silence
shall you indeed sing.
And when you have reached the mountain top,
then you shall begin to climb.
And when the earth shall claim your limbs
then shall you truly dance.

~Kahlil Gibran

Let us be reminded to live more fully in the now, with our hearts so wide open that we no longer fear being touched by grief. May we honor our loved ones who have died by allowing our memories of them to both spur and inspire us to sing, to climb, and to dance, that we, ourselves, might be ready to embrace standing naked in the wind and melting into the sun when our own time has come.

My Life is a Musical

My latest posts have included themes relating to music and dancing. I ran across this quote today and something in me resonates positively with the idea of living a musical life:

"Music gives a soul to the universe, wings to the mind, flight to the imagination, and life to everything."
~Plato

What kind of music makes you soar? If not literal music, what is it that brings your soul to life?

Hmmm...phrasing it that way brings up another quote that I recently ran across and immediately fell in love with:

"Don't ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive."
~Howard Thurman

I have to say, life is pretty awesome when you're living it fully alive!

Don't look. Okay, now you can look. Wanna dance?

"Dance like nobody's watching;
love like you've never been hurt.
Sing like nobody's listening;
live like it's heaven on earth."
~Mark Twain

The first line of this quote has particularly been on my mind lately. Anyone who knows me knows I love to dance. In my pursuit to get fit, dancing at home by myself has been an integral component of the journey. I just turn up the tunes and can't stop moving to the music--one of my favorite ways of burning calories! I love that I can creatively express myself in this way. It's both freeing and brings me joy.

My aunt pointed out recently that my dancing genes must have been passed on to me from my grandmother. This was quite an honor to me in a way that is too profound to mention here--I will have to elaborate in another future post and include the poem I wrote following my grandma's death.

This morning as I was driving to my basketball game, I thought about my latest attempts to dance as if no one is watching, and I arrived at some new insights on the irony surrounding my experiences. First, a little background story:

A couple weeks ago I was out dancing with friends. After one dance event ended, the crowd began to thin out, but a friend and I stayed and kept on dancing. Normally the venue starts to fill up again as the night wears on--but on this night the dance floor remained unusually sparse. It seemed a shame to not take full advantage of the free and clear dance space! I remember consciously thinking to myself, "I'm just going to dance like I'm at home in my room." In other words, strip away any veil of self-consciousness and just let myself dance freely from my soul, pretending like no one was around to watch me. It felt good.

Then, last night, I was out dancing again. I remembered earlier on in the evening, this time, to consciously remove that self-conscious layer that sometimes creates a thin film between me and the rest of the world. I always dance with my heart, but this one little conscious shift frees my soul in a different way.

This morning, as I was driving to my game and reflecting on my evening, I realized a funny thing: when you dance as though no one is watching, it tends to make people look! The night before, as I danced while pretending like no one was watching, I couldn't help but notice as I looked around the room, that various people were, indeed, watching me, and the light on their faces conveyed that they were somehow moved by the freedom of my expression. I found this to be a positive thing. It was an affirmation, for me, that I am moving closer to the kind of life I want for myself--one in which my own self-consciousness does not hinder me, but instead I am free to be more fully and totally present and engaged in the world and with the people in it.

The amazing irony in all of this is that sometimes the things we truly want for ourselves are the things that scare us the most; or, conversely, the things that scare us the most are the things that we truly want for ourselves. The one who challenges herself to "dance as though no one is watching" soon learns to embrace and welcome the fact that people are watching her while she dances. And in this she discovers a new kind of joy as she finds herself relating to the world in yet another fresh new way.

Word and Spirit

I am a logophile. A lover of words. A poet. A storyteller.

I love words that live and breathe--that take on a life of their own once they are set free.

I enjoy resting in the words of others when they resonate a certain part of my soul. Powerful or poignant quotes. Poetic insights. This year, in particular, I have often found myself living in song lyrics. Adding music to words can bring them to life in an all the more profound way. This makes part of me wish I knew how to write music.

For many months, the opening lines of a poem had been echoing repeatedly my head: "Heed not the words that speaketh a teen..." Over and over again they would invade my consciousness. I didn't really recognize a particular significance to them, just mostly found it annoying ("Oh, here come the words again!").

But the words themselves are not random--they are actually from a sonnet I wrote as an assignment for a high school English class. The irony, of course, is that I WAS a teen at the time. I can still recite the words as if I wrote them yesterday:

Heed not the words that speaketh a teen
For 'tis only noise that they speak with
If you dig deep for what they might mean
You'll soon find yourself encompassed in myth
They wallow in shallowness and conceit
While drowning others in their pride
But once they are forced to take the heat
They drop down their guard to run and hide
So what do you do in such a false world
Where depth does not seem to exist
Where people are groping for jewels and pearls
As dreams and goals slip away in the mist
Well first you must pause
And then deeply reflect
Because you are the cause
And the world around you, the effect

As far back as I can remember, I have always found something deeper to life than what it seemed most other people were conscious of. I had special antennae that allowed me to seek out and locate those individuals who also recognized and appreciated these deeper layers of life--many of these folks became my mentors. At the time I felt they did a better job of "getting me"...but in retrospect I see that it's easier to feel like someone understands you when you both share similar worldviews. In any case, each of these mentor relationships contained some sort of spiritual connection (some more overtly than others, but I think it was always there).

I think experiencing the deepest layers of life necessarily includes opening up our deepest selves to sharing with another. Human experience is relational. There are some elements to human experience that I will never have the opportunity to know if I don't experience them with another human being.

When I start to feel disconnected from myself, I immediately note that my spiritual life needs cultivating. My spirit rests at the deepest part of my soul--and when I don't keep the lines open, I start shutting myself off from being able to experience those deepest layers of life itself. I see, now, why my deepest relationships all have a spiritual element--it's not simply about sharing similar worldviews...it's about a genuine spirit-to-spirit exchange.

Top Shelf, in the Back and to the Left

As human beings we are quite an amazingly diverse bunch. The inventory of qualities that make up who I am is completely unique from anyone else I've ever met in the world. I'm sure the same is true for everyone else. Sure, we can find people who are quite similar to us, but no two people are going to be exactly the same. In some contexts that uniqueness leads people to begin comparing--rather, measuring--themselves to and against one another. In particular I was reflecting on some of the qualities that I find attractive in other people. Sometimes it's easy to compare ourselves to others and covet something we see in them that we think we want for ourselves. The danger in this is that our rich, complex, multi-dimensional personalities then get reduced to superficial, seemingly clear-cut traits. I sometimes fall into the temptation of thinking my life would somehow be more complete "if only I had..." some particular given trait.

As an example, I sometimes find that people who are more outgoing than me in certain social situations seem to exhibit a special kind of confidence that appears almost magical to me. I think, "Wow, I would be amazing if I could do that!" But, in those moments I have completely reduced complex human qualities into neat, but completely oversimplified little boxes. I have become myopic and completely taken for granted the bigger picture. The grass always looks greener on the other side--especially when we're only looking and paying attention to the greenest of the grass, ignoring the weeds and the bare patches in our peripheral vision. It's when I really start to take in the bigger picture that I realize things aren't actually as rosy as they seem. If I am going to compare myself to someone else, I can't just compare one trait...it has to be across the board or I'm no longer comparing apples to apples. I have to be willing to take the good with the bad. It's when I press myself to look at the bigger picture that I recognize I am no longer looking at some magical trait, but a bright spot in that person. We all have our own bright spots--the parts of us that glow when the light hits us at just the right angle. In order to have bright spots, however, it necessarily means that there will be dull or dark spots as well. I don't mean to imply that the less-than-bright spots are inherently negative in any way; only that they likely appear less magical.

So, earlier this week I found myself thinking more deeply about the concept of confidence. I began to distinguish that there are at least two kinds of confidence: a head confidence and confidence that comes from the heart or from the soul (I'm not sure which--but it's somewhere at the core). With the head confidence a person's ego is safely insulated enough that they are free to move about the world without getting tripped up by it as easily--or perhaps simply as visibly. But, as I reflected more thoughtfully on my own unique flavor of self-confidence I acknowledged that it is just as equally unshakable...it is just rooted in a different place. My own confidence rests at the very core of my being. I don't mean to say that I find myself completely lacking in the head confidence--just that those who are more outgoing than me seem to possess a particularly sharpened version of this kind of confidence. I experience my own sense of self-confidence as a kind of wellspring that springs up from the depths of my heart and soul. It is rooted in the fact that I genuinely love and embrace myself and all that I am in a completely honest and authentic way. The reason I can verify it is authentic is because, as I now consider some of those traits I have, in the past, been tempted to think I want for myself, I recognize without any doubt that there is nothing I already possess within myself that I would ever be willing to give up in order to get any of those other things. Not a single thing! When I take full stock of my own unique inventory of traits that make up who I really am, I am wholeheartedly convinced that I ended up with the much better end of the bargain. My confidence rests securely in knowing that I am top shelf material. When people are only paying attention to the surface, they can end up missing out on some of my best qualities. That's because I don't do superficial very well. But, for those who know that the best stuff is usually found on the top shelf...sometimes hidden away in the back, and maybe a little to the left...amazing surprises are in store. And that's the kind of mate I hope to find one day--the one who is both eager and perceptive enough to seek me out. The one who is willing to see beyond the superficial and dig a little deeper to find their gold. And I won't settle for anything less, because I want top shelf in return.

The way I see it, head confidence is the kind of confidence that can actually be strengthened and grown through practice. I'm not so sure the same is true for that deep inner confidence that is conveyed by a resilient, blazing inner light that never burns out. I happen to love my light. And I am absolutely unwilling to trade it in for anything else.

Welcome to My Reality

It has been well over a year since my last blog post here. I've still been scribbling in the margins of life whenever and wherever I can--in journals, letters, through poetry, on napkins... I even started another blog centered around a very particular part of my life's journey: http://lifeinloss.blogspot.com/. But lately I've been feeling pulled to return to this space and continue processing and sharing what I am learning about life and myself through my various life adventures.

Over the last several months I have been processing a lot about the experience of meeting new people. It has seemed to me the biggest obstacle in getting to know someone new is the very fact that I do not, yet, know the person! Allow me to explain. I've discovered that when we meet someone for the first time, EVERYTHING is literally taken out of context--because there is no shared context. Thus, when we first meet someone, what we experience of that person seems to have much less to do with who the person really is and more to do with our own personal projections onto that person. Because there is not yet any shared context, our brain kicks into gear trying to assimilate that person into the context of our own personal history of thoughts, feelings and experiences. Our brain is trying to, at least temporarily, fill in the blanks for what is not yet known. We work to make that person fit what we already know. If we are lucky, as we get to know the person over time, our false assumptions will fall away as we begin to genuinely experience who the other person really is--a shared context begins to develop and we learn how to more accurately receive them, so to speak. This will happen more easily when both people are fairly self-aware and possess effective communication skills.

All of this reminds me, again, of why I love this quote by Anais Nin: "We don't see things as they are. We see things as we are." I think this means that in order to begin to authentically see things as they truly are, or at least come closer to this, we have to be open enough that we are willing to be changed, ourselves. Otherwise, the world is always going to look the same to us, and our experience of "reality" is going to be so much more limited.

I've also spent a lot of time over the last several months trying to define myself--it's been an engaging, dynamic, self-reflective process. Frustrating at times, as well. In meeting new people, I repeatedly keep running head-first into the question, "Tell me about yourself..." No matter how I answer this question, I'm always dissatisfied, as it feels like I'm being forced to sum up in just a few small words something that can't be condensed to that level without significant, meaningful pieces of myself being lost through the process. During my traveling for this Thanksgiving, the words to express this experience finally started coming together (solo road trips are great opportunities for life "processing"!). I share them in the poem below.

You ask me who I am
But I can't tell you
For I've realized the very moment I define myself
I suddenly cease being who I say that I am
For there is no box large enough to contain me
My soul is living and dynamic, open and fluid
I engage the world
And don't fear being changed by it
Yet in spite of this I remain constant
I love, I think
I observe, I reflect
I question, I admit
I admire, I believe
I strive, I pray
I fall, I rise
I laugh, I cry
I hope, I feel
I sweat, I breathe
I dance
I sing

I am
Present and future, more than the past
Possibilities more than regrets
Living into my potential
Becoming more myself every day

I see the problem now
We try to use adjectives and nouns to describe ourselves
But we are, in fact, verbs
Our actions speaking much louder than words

And this is why
I cannot tell you who I am
I can only show you
But it is going to take a lifetime

A New Transition

Well, a lot of changes have happened in my life recently. I finished graduate school in August. By Labor Day I found myself transplanted in the Seattle area and ready to begin a new full-time job at Barnes & Noble. I think perhaps I am still trying to catch up with myself. It was pretty remarkable how everything came together. I came up to the Seattle area somewhat on a whim to put out feelers for potentially moving. Within the week I found a place to live and was tentatively offered a full-time job. I couldn't help but feel it was "meant to be" as everything fell into place so easily and quickly. Of course, that also meant a whirlwind move with less than a week's notice. As this is not the speed I typically like to conduct my life, it's not unusual that on some days my anxiety threat level has been raised to the color Orange. Lots of changes to endure all at once!

My new job, I think, will be a very useful and relevant step towards building more skills and experience that will relate directly to the library field. Not only will I have the opportunity to work in an environment that provides me with a pulse on what consumers are reading (or at least purchasing), but as head cashier I will gain additional leadership skills and supervisory experience that will help bolster my resume. In this regard, I am very excited about the job. Unfortunately, because it is retail, the salary is far below what I could be making if I chose an alternative path.

I recognize that it is the income issue that is bringing me the most anxiety. It's a trade-off: I desperately wanted to be doing something that would directly add value to my resume and goal of working in a library, but the job does not pay as well as others for which I am qualified. If, instead, I chose to do some administrative staffing work that paid better, I would be more comfortable in the "in between" phase, but the job itself would take me further away from my intended overall path. I'm just not sure how long I can afford to live on a retail salary before my savings runs out! For some reason I have had a hard time letting go of this fear (fear of running out of money) and in some moments the fear consumes me. I suppose it is due to my awareness of the current economic climate and my appreciation that there is little that distinguishes me from those who stand on the street corners with their signs asking for a little help after finding themselves down on their luck. It can happen to anyone. The challenge I am being faced with also involves returning to a more centered and active faith life. I recognize that I cling to this fear when I feel I am relying solely on myself and am afraid of letting myself down. Part of letting go of the fear involves opening myself up and remembering to trust in God--not that I don't have to still be responsible for my own actions and self-discipline, but that I can let go of focusing on the near-sighted details long enough to take a step back and look at the bigger picture in order to better discern when I am on the right path.

So, although I am experiencing many challenges and anxieties right now, I also recognize the value of working through them and see them as a path to growth and greater opportunity for living a fuller life. And that is why I am hoping to also do more blogging, or at least journaling, as I know that being able to write about things is therapeutic as well as helpful towards gaining a more positive perspective.

Resourceful

Lately I've been dealing with a lot of pressure. A busy schedule juggling my practicum, an online course, and trying to apply for jobs. I am usually pretty good multi-tasking within one area, but I start to feel scattered and stressed when my busy-ness stretches across multiple dimensions of my life. Beyond the aspects of a busy schedule, however, the pressure I have been feeling mostly stems from the fact that I will soon my graduating from my MLIS program.

Yes, typically the response should be, "Hooray!! I'm finally graduating!" I won't disagree that I am atypical. Don't get me wrong, I am indeed excited about finishing my program and eager to get into the library field in order to start leaving my mark. It's the depressed economy and the poor outlook of the job market that cause me some anxiety. Also, I am worried that I might be caught in that nebulous area between overqualified and underqualified now that I am soon to have my degree in hand. Overqualified for many of the paraprofessional positions that are out there (by virtue of now having a masters degree in the field), but lacking the experience necessary for landing many of the professional ones. Not only that, but my current situation also makes me a poor candidate for non-library positions, as most employers will easily assume I am not long-term potential for working in another field. So, there is a lot weighing on my psyche these days.

Today I had a very good day at my practicum, however. I started working on a "weeding" project. (For non-library folks, weeding refers to making decisions about which books should be removed from the collection based on a number of different factors--condition of the book, it's uniqueness and/or relevance to the collection, how frequently it gets used, the currency/accuracy of the information, whether a newer edition is available and any number of other factors.) I had been dragging my feet a little in working on this project. The section of the library I was assigned to weed is the reference section. Since books in the reference section cannot be checked out, there are no circulation statistics that I can refer to in order to know how frequently each resource is actually used--if at all! This takes away one key piece of evidence that is most useful to a weeding project! Also, because I am essentially "new" to the library, I haven't had time to develop a familiarity with what kinds of resources get used or requested most frequently or even rarely. I didn't have much confidence in my ability to be very helpful in this task since I felt like I was going into it somewhat blindly, without any real context. Happily, I was mistaken! I managed to be quite resourceful, and this helped boost my confidence exponentially in light of the pressures I've been feeling with regards to the job hunt. I wanted to blog about my experience so that I could later be reminded of the fact that I have a lot to feel confident about!

I began my task by reading the Collection Development Policy for the library. This is the document that describes in detail how the library decides what materials will (and will not) be included in its collection. The part of the policy I was most interested in for the purposes of my weeding task was the section that detailed the specific subject areas that the library wished to target within each academic discipline. This gave me a little more of that "context" that I felt I was previously lacking.

Next, I also made a list of all the different undergraduate and graduate programs that are currently offered by the university. This would also provide more context for the task at hand. In providing library services you need to have a pretty clear picture of who your users are so that you can develop a relevant collection for their needs.

As I began the actual task of weeding, my primary focus was going to be looking at the currency of the item--noting how long ago it was published. Old does not always mean outdated or irrelevant, but I was also looking to see if newer editions might have been published since. As I moved through the collection fairly methodically I began to make some connections and notice that I do have more context than I anticipated. For example, knowing how to address the issue of outdated computer science reference books was influenced by my knowledge of the fact that NCU does not offer a computer science program. Why buy a $500 computer science encyclopedia that will rapidly become out of date almost as soon as you put it on the shelf when your institution does not have a particular need for the resource to begin with? Similarly, I relied on my knowledge of the fact that NCU has a strong education program as I analyzed the reference books that focused on children's literature. Clearly these resources would be valuable for students preparing to work with elementary aged children.

Today's exercise was key for me in grasping how useful my academic study of library and information science has been. Although I am still looking for ways and opportunities to put into practice what I have learned, today was a huge step in giving me the confidence to know that I do have the necessary tools to be able to figure things out as they unfold even without prior direct experience. This confidence will be key as I continue to wrestle with the job hunt and the potential it has to downgrade one's confidence along the way.

I am definitely resourceful. That is one of my primary reasons for becoming a librarian. It is my desire to help connect others with the resources they need.