For Everything There Is a Season

Over the last couple of weeks, as I've struggled with enduring a long season of trying to fight off colds, viruses, and other ailments that have plagued me off and on since New Year's Day, I have been intentional in trying to listen for what I'm supposed to be learning during this time. Rather, regardless of whether I am "supposed" to be learning anything, it's still important for me to ask the question, what "can" I be learning?

This latest bout--round 3--has really dug me down deep. I'm wrestling with an asthmatic bronchitis that has taken deep root in my lungs and I've been slow to recover from. Just yesterday I returned to the doctor for an updated plan of action for helping to return me to my healthy self. It's slow going, but I have faith that I am finally on the right track and will soon be able to put this "sick" season behind me. My spirit NEEDS to finally put this season behind me. Besides my body being exhausted from fighting off ailments, there are moments when I've felt the emotional effects of depression from being down so long physically. I can't get out to do the things that help ward off the usual negative toxins that life throws at you: stress, anxiety, sadness, or whatever other things come up in usual day to day life. My ability to go work it all off at the gym has been thwarted by not being able to breathe. Oxygen is important.

So, in spite of everything, I've tried to embrace even being sick by trying to listen for what I might be able to hear. It's lonely lying in bed trying to breathe through inflamed bronchial tissues, just trying to sleep so my body will have time to repair itself. When the tears come (I'm sure the various steroids I'm on have had an added effect to feeling hormonally out of sync) I try to maintain a delicate balance of letting them run the course they need to but also trying to gently steer them away as I know crying is not helpful for someone already struggling with breathing issues. Finally in the last couple of days some of my intention is starting to pay off. I'm recognizing some spiritual movements within that are leading me to feel more hopeful again. I'd say there's a lot in life that is worth putting up with if I find that I am also simultaneously being spiritually moved. But, just as creative inspiration usually cannot be forced, spiritually moving experiences aren't usually something we can just plan on. We can be disciplined in trying to create spaces that allow such things to happen, but then...we just have to sit and wait, sometimes in sheer silence. But, as I was reminded today, sometimes God is in the silence.

1 Kings 19:11-12:
"He said, 'Go out and stand on the mountain before the Lord, for the Lord is about to pass by.' Now there was a great wind, so strong that it was splitting mountains and breaking rocks in pieces before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind; and after the wind an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake; and after the earthquake a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire; and after the fire a sound of sheer silence."

Sometimes we have a tendency to look for God in moments that dazzle, amaze, excite, thrill, or even comfort us in some dramatic ways. But sometimes there is simply silence. Perhaps when we try to pay attention to God's presence in those moments and places where there is silence--moments and places which, on the surface, may seem to reflect God's absence--perhaps this act of spiritual discipline actually beckons God's presence into our life and hearts in a new way as we are intentionally seeking God out...extending an invitation for God to come near.

So, I've been seeking God in the silence, trusting that if I keep listening, eventually the words would come. In the last several days or so I've felt myself entering into a new season of my life....a season which I'm hoping will begin with feeling healthy again soon! Additionally, I am looking forward to a season of spiritual nourishment and growth. Having already sensed this spiritual shifting in various ways internally, I finally heard some words that I was needing to hear as I was driving home from work today. Sometimes God speaks in the silence. Other times, God speaks while listening to the Indigo Girls. "Kristy, what do you want your life to be about right now?" This is the focus I've been looking for. I want a lot of things, but I know where the focus has to be if I want those things ever to come true. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. The things I want come out of what I treasure most. And actually, as I am typing and reflecting on the fact that I just said I want a lot of things, I realize in some respects that I really only want one thing: one true love. But, like creative inspiration, and spiritual experiences, real love can't be conjured up on command. I can be disciplined in creating an open and welcoming space for love to enter in....but then I can only wait for nature to take its course. But I'm re-learning that it's worth it to wait for the real thing. It's worth everything for that one thing.