Living Fearlessly

The following is one of my favorite lines from one of my favorite songs, "Glitter in the Air" by P!nk:

"Have you ever looked fear in the face and said I just don't care?"

My recent experience flying on the trapeze brought a lot of things in my life to light in a completely new perspective. Most profoundly these insights have surrounded the topic of fear. Honestly, it wasn't until the next day following my trapeze class that I acknowledged to myself, "Yes, that was actually terrifying, now that I think about it." The whole trapeze experience was one of the most amazing experiences of my lifetime and I definitely hope to do it again--need to do it again!--but I had to admit there were at least brief parts of it that were terrifying.

Here's a video clip of me on the trapeze, taken about half-way through the two-hour class:



Maybe it's only because I'm a processor that I didn't actually label it as fear until the next day. In the moment, rather than freaking out saying, "Oh my god I'm so scared!" I am focused on all the things that are required of me to push through the fear. I don't think it's even registering to me that it's fear at the time--rather, I recognize the familiar physiological symptoms that just bug the hell out of me because I want to be able to control them. I'm not scared of leaping to flight from a platform high up in the air...I think it sounds FUN!! So, it's as if in the moment when "fear" would normally kick in, it's more like I am struggling with some sort of feeling of powerlessness (not being able to mentally control my body's physiological response) and the immense frustration that brings, rather than fear itself. My soul wants to be free to soar, not hampered by sweaty palms and shaking limbs! In the moment I don't feel like it's fear that I'm battling; rather, I'm wrestling with the inconvenience and limitations to my freedom.

As I think about the fear/powerlessness concepts and how they both in some way reflect a sense of loss of control, I see that it's also related intimately to personal vulnerability. That makes sense: of course it's when we are feeling most vulnerable that our fight or flight response is most apt to kick in.

Over the course of my trapeze class I had several opportunities to repeat the literal journey through fear to flight. Performing this ritual several times in succession, of slowly climbing a tall, wobbly ladder up to the precipice of fear and then launching myself from the platform completely, gave me a new paradigm for recognizing how often in my life I do things that, even if only in some small way, terrify me. It suddenly dawned on me how much I've failed to truly give myself the full credit I deserve in some cases, simply because I'm just "doing what I do" without fully appreciating my own "bravery." Actually, it's not uncommon for people in my life to comment on my bravery at times, but I tend to shrug it off because in some ways, it's just something I'm used to doing as a natural part of who I am.

So, to add another paradox to my life, I have now realized that I am both fearless yet simultaneously committed to doing things that scare the hell out of me. I guess maybe fearlessness, rather than being the absence of fear, is the willingness to embrace fear: to stare fear directly in the face, pause briefly to say, "I just don't care," before boldly leaping to flight--jumping straight through the fear. That crucial moment, I believe, often sets things apart in helping you to discern your heart's true path. For, I've also discovered something else about the things in life that scare the hell out of you: many times, these are the very same things your heart most desires.

Fear, in many cases, simply reflects a chasm of vulnerability which we desperately long to leap across--if only we could assure ourselves of landing safely and securely on the other side. I think it's my willingness to live with an open heart, my openness to leaving myself quite vulnerable at times, that is the undercurrent that drives living a fearless life. I wholeheartedly believe it is worth every risk to take a leap of faith across those places that scare us, even when it means risking falling to our death, for the things that matter most to our heart and our soul. We so often forget that in many cases there are safety nets, and we don't always have to get it right the first time. We're not going to literally die even if in the moment it sometimes feels that way. Truthfully, I think I'm much more prone to a long, slow and painful death if I don't leap for those things that my heart truly wants, no matter how much it scares me to do so.

I am eagerly looking forward to another opportunity to fly on the trapeze--to keep practicing what it feels like for my heart to leap freely so that my soul can truly soar. I learned so many things about myself through the experience. I have more posts to make on this topic. Actually, my original post was going to be "Leaning into the Discomfort" but sometimes my blog gets a mind of its own and takes a detour. So watch for this one coming soon.

Until then...I encourage you to venture out and do something terrifying. Afterward, please come back and share your story!

A Brand New Day

Today I was listening to the radio at work and I happened to catch a few lines in a song that spoke directly to me, as they seemed to reflect exactly what's going on inside me:

"It's a brand new day
The sun is shining
It's a brand new day
For the first time in such a long long time
I know, I'll be ok"
~Joshua Radin, Brand New Day

The lyrics hint at similar words that have been a beacon for me over the last several months:

"And love says: I will, I will take care of you."
~Hafiz

The Hafiz quote summarizes my faith in God, and the trust that no matter what happens, I am fully embraced in God's love and ultimately that will carry me through anything no matter what things may look like on the surface. This quote links my past with my future and my present--love is a continuum in which no single moment is irrelevant. Everything matters. I matter. My heart matters.

Recently God and I had a fight. I argued that God was not being very kind to me and then expressed exactly what I thought about that fact. Actually, this angry episode happened not too long after I had run across some writing in one of my college journals. In my journal I described how I found God most responsive during those times in which I became most adamant or demanding with God. Sometimes you've got to raise your voice a bit in order to get an appropriate response! Rather than being a form of "manipulating" God, I think my actions reflect a more acute expression of faith. It's a moment of crying out, "Listen to me, because right now I'm cutting through all the fluff and crap and getting right to the point. I. Need. You."

And so it worked again. Faith moves mountains. This is a miracle that leaves me awestruck every time. (I think I may actually have a scar on my chin from my jaw dropping to the floor so much...)

Immediately, beginning the very next morning and continuing still through the present moment, God began sending me a steady stream of kindness. Life is in the details. The gifts have come as gentle whispers, little winks, smiles. A wordless exchange that speaks to me everything I've needed to hear. In return I've softened and opened myself up as well, knowing that it usually takes two to tango...and there were things I could be doing to better encourage--namely, being more open to, and in a better place to receive--God's kindness.

And so I began saying yes to joy in my heart. I had long recognized that my life was out of balance--my heart, my soul, my mind, and my body were exhausted. I was a weary traveler just longing for home. Home is where the heart is, so I decided to start better listening to my heart, and be more conscious of letting it be my compass.

Although the demands in my life did not really change, the weight of them has shifted. As I began following my heart in even the most minute ways, moving towards those things that feed my soul, piece by piece things started settling back into better balance in my life.

Having just returned from a weekend trip to Oregon to visit friends and family--true soul food--my heart feels quite nourished. My words don't do justice to the full depth yet complete simplicity of what I'm feeling--there are so many more things to write about that would help illustrate how this is being expressed in my life. But, like I mentioned in the above paragraph...."the demands in my life did not really change"....so I don't have endless hours for being able to scribble it all down.

But, there is definitely a feeling of comfort and peace, in knowing that when I follow my heart all my needs really are taken care of. "And for the first time, in such a long long time, I know I'll be ok."

I recently made up a new quote of my own: "Follow your heart, but lead with your soul."

I can't remember if I blogged about it or not, but over 4th of July weekend I did some journaling and discovered through that process that it's my mind that does the thinking, my heart that does the feeling, but it's my soul that does the knowing. If I continue to live with the intentionality of having a soulful life, I believe my heart will be full every day. I think that sounds like a good way to live.

Here's to a brand new day! And if you're interested, here are the rest of the lyrics to the song:

BRAND NEW DAY
Some kind of magic
Happens late at night
When the moon smiles down at me
And bathes me in its light

I fell asleep beneath you
In the tall blades of grass
When I woke the world was new
I never had to ask

It's a brand new day
The sun is shining
It's a brand new day
For the first time in such a long long time
I know, I'll be ok

Most kind of stories
Save the best part for last
And most stories have a hero who finds
You make your past your past
Yeah you make your past your past

It's a brand new day
The sun is shining
It's a brand new day
For the first time in such a long long time
I know, I'll be ok

This cycle never ends
You gotta fall in order to mend

It's a brand new day
It's a brand new day
For the first time in such a long long time
I know, I'll be ok