A New Transition

Well, a lot of changes have happened in my life recently. I finished graduate school in August. By Labor Day I found myself transplanted in the Seattle area and ready to begin a new full-time job at Barnes & Noble. I think perhaps I am still trying to catch up with myself. It was pretty remarkable how everything came together. I came up to the Seattle area somewhat on a whim to put out feelers for potentially moving. Within the week I found a place to live and was tentatively offered a full-time job. I couldn't help but feel it was "meant to be" as everything fell into place so easily and quickly. Of course, that also meant a whirlwind move with less than a week's notice. As this is not the speed I typically like to conduct my life, it's not unusual that on some days my anxiety threat level has been raised to the color Orange. Lots of changes to endure all at once!

My new job, I think, will be a very useful and relevant step towards building more skills and experience that will relate directly to the library field. Not only will I have the opportunity to work in an environment that provides me with a pulse on what consumers are reading (or at least purchasing), but as head cashier I will gain additional leadership skills and supervisory experience that will help bolster my resume. In this regard, I am very excited about the job. Unfortunately, because it is retail, the salary is far below what I could be making if I chose an alternative path.

I recognize that it is the income issue that is bringing me the most anxiety. It's a trade-off: I desperately wanted to be doing something that would directly add value to my resume and goal of working in a library, but the job does not pay as well as others for which I am qualified. If, instead, I chose to do some administrative staffing work that paid better, I would be more comfortable in the "in between" phase, but the job itself would take me further away from my intended overall path. I'm just not sure how long I can afford to live on a retail salary before my savings runs out! For some reason I have had a hard time letting go of this fear (fear of running out of money) and in some moments the fear consumes me. I suppose it is due to my awareness of the current economic climate and my appreciation that there is little that distinguishes me from those who stand on the street corners with their signs asking for a little help after finding themselves down on their luck. It can happen to anyone. The challenge I am being faced with also involves returning to a more centered and active faith life. I recognize that I cling to this fear when I feel I am relying solely on myself and am afraid of letting myself down. Part of letting go of the fear involves opening myself up and remembering to trust in God--not that I don't have to still be responsible for my own actions and self-discipline, but that I can let go of focusing on the near-sighted details long enough to take a step back and look at the bigger picture in order to better discern when I am on the right path.

So, although I am experiencing many challenges and anxieties right now, I also recognize the value of working through them and see them as a path to growth and greater opportunity for living a fuller life. And that is why I am hoping to also do more blogging, or at least journaling, as I know that being able to write about things is therapeutic as well as helpful towards gaining a more positive perspective.