Living Fearlessly

The following is one of my favorite lines from one of my favorite songs, "Glitter in the Air" by P!nk:

"Have you ever looked fear in the face and said I just don't care?"

My recent experience flying on the trapeze brought a lot of things in my life to light in a completely new perspective. Most profoundly these insights have surrounded the topic of fear. Honestly, it wasn't until the next day following my trapeze class that I acknowledged to myself, "Yes, that was actually terrifying, now that I think about it." The whole trapeze experience was one of the most amazing experiences of my lifetime and I definitely hope to do it again--need to do it again!--but I had to admit there were at least brief parts of it that were terrifying.

Here's a video clip of me on the trapeze, taken about half-way through the two-hour class:



Maybe it's only because I'm a processor that I didn't actually label it as fear until the next day. In the moment, rather than freaking out saying, "Oh my god I'm so scared!" I am focused on all the things that are required of me to push through the fear. I don't think it's even registering to me that it's fear at the time--rather, I recognize the familiar physiological symptoms that just bug the hell out of me because I want to be able to control them. I'm not scared of leaping to flight from a platform high up in the air...I think it sounds FUN!! So, it's as if in the moment when "fear" would normally kick in, it's more like I am struggling with some sort of feeling of powerlessness (not being able to mentally control my body's physiological response) and the immense frustration that brings, rather than fear itself. My soul wants to be free to soar, not hampered by sweaty palms and shaking limbs! In the moment I don't feel like it's fear that I'm battling; rather, I'm wrestling with the inconvenience and limitations to my freedom.

As I think about the fear/powerlessness concepts and how they both in some way reflect a sense of loss of control, I see that it's also related intimately to personal vulnerability. That makes sense: of course it's when we are feeling most vulnerable that our fight or flight response is most apt to kick in.

Over the course of my trapeze class I had several opportunities to repeat the literal journey through fear to flight. Performing this ritual several times in succession, of slowly climbing a tall, wobbly ladder up to the precipice of fear and then launching myself from the platform completely, gave me a new paradigm for recognizing how often in my life I do things that, even if only in some small way, terrify me. It suddenly dawned on me how much I've failed to truly give myself the full credit I deserve in some cases, simply because I'm just "doing what I do" without fully appreciating my own "bravery." Actually, it's not uncommon for people in my life to comment on my bravery at times, but I tend to shrug it off because in some ways, it's just something I'm used to doing as a natural part of who I am.

So, to add another paradox to my life, I have now realized that I am both fearless yet simultaneously committed to doing things that scare the hell out of me. I guess maybe fearlessness, rather than being the absence of fear, is the willingness to embrace fear: to stare fear directly in the face, pause briefly to say, "I just don't care," before boldly leaping to flight--jumping straight through the fear. That crucial moment, I believe, often sets things apart in helping you to discern your heart's true path. For, I've also discovered something else about the things in life that scare the hell out of you: many times, these are the very same things your heart most desires.

Fear, in many cases, simply reflects a chasm of vulnerability which we desperately long to leap across--if only we could assure ourselves of landing safely and securely on the other side. I think it's my willingness to live with an open heart, my openness to leaving myself quite vulnerable at times, that is the undercurrent that drives living a fearless life. I wholeheartedly believe it is worth every risk to take a leap of faith across those places that scare us, even when it means risking falling to our death, for the things that matter most to our heart and our soul. We so often forget that in many cases there are safety nets, and we don't always have to get it right the first time. We're not going to literally die even if in the moment it sometimes feels that way. Truthfully, I think I'm much more prone to a long, slow and painful death if I don't leap for those things that my heart truly wants, no matter how much it scares me to do so.

I am eagerly looking forward to another opportunity to fly on the trapeze--to keep practicing what it feels like for my heart to leap freely so that my soul can truly soar. I learned so many things about myself through the experience. I have more posts to make on this topic. Actually, my original post was going to be "Leaning into the Discomfort" but sometimes my blog gets a mind of its own and takes a detour. So watch for this one coming soon.

Until then...I encourage you to venture out and do something terrifying. Afterward, please come back and share your story!