Lent is here. On Thursday morning, as I was driving in to work, I metaphorically took a look around at my internal and external landscape: "Yes," I recognized, nodding to myself, "here we are in the desert, again."
The desert wilderness is a familiar setting for Lent. The season typically begins with the Gospel texts telling the story of Jesus going out into the wilderness following his baptism, to face the devil's temptations. The Old Testament imagery of the Israelites wandering in the wilderness for 40 years on their journey to the Promised Land also comes to mind.
I'm continually amazed at how closely my own life cycles seem to mirror the church's liturgical calendar. This is probably one of several key reasons my own Lutheran faith has been a good spiritual home for me. Last year, during this time, I was navigating a wilderness of still adjusting to a new life in a crazy big city. The church calendar provides for me what has been a helpful framework for orienting my own human story within a story that is greater than mine. It helps both shift and shape my focus towards that bigger picture so I don't get lost in my own "stuff." It provides me with a system for placing a more positive spin on certain life events as they unfold, as it gives me a better vantage point for attributing deeper meaning to things that might otherwise appear meaningless. "Wrestling with the devil in the wilderness" is a struggle much easier to endure when you know that Easter is coming. Easter has never failed me. In a prior blog post I wrote about the notion that "We live by the stories we tell" (Elie Wiesel). My own living takes place within the drama of a story that is much broader and wider and longer and deeper than my own. This helps me make greater sense of my life.
Lent is an appropriate time for wrestling with one's demons. This past summer I encountered a written meditation about this "confrontation":
"If you therefore go to the desert to be rid of all the dreadful people and all the awful problems in your life, you will be wasting your time. You should go to the desert for a total confrontation with yourself. For one goes to the desert to see more and to see better. One goes to the desert especially to take a closer look at the things and people one would rather not see, to face situations one would rather avoid, to answer questions one would rather forget." ~Alessandro Pronzato, Meditations on the Sand
Lent is a time for being brutally honest with ourselves. I wholeheartedly believe this can be done in a loving manner--being brutally honest does not mean self-battering. Regardless, it still might hurt just a bit as we examine ourselves and start to recognize the various facades we have built up in our minds, our hearts, and even our souls. Lent is a time for taking the steps toward returning to a more authentic version of ourselves. Who is it that God created me to be? How is the quality of my life suffering as a result of not embracing the fullness of that vision? What are my Easter hopes this year--what kind of healing do I need to bring to my mind and my heart and my soul? What will this year's Easter resurrection look like in my own life story?
I am a dreamer. As I look around at my current wilderness surroundings, I recognize that I am wrestling with certain byproducts of this fact. As a dreamer, I hope. As a dreamer, I tend to see visions of things not-yet-existing-but-seem-so-completely-plausible. As a dreamer, I am more optimist than pessimist. As a dreamer, I often view limitations as artificial perceptions. As a dreamer, I recognize that I am typically at odds with many predominant worldviews. And, just yesterday, I realized the fact that, as a dreamer, there are some days in which my life is probably more fiction than real. But this doesn't make it any less true. One of the unfortunate byproducts of dreaming is simply dreams unrealized--some dreams may still eventually be realized over the course of time, others will ultimately fail to catch the wind they need to set sail. And sometimes there is an ongoing cycle of dreams being seemingly dashed, yet resurrected again and again, refusing to be laid to rest permanently in spite of their repeated failure at managing to get both feet off the ground.
So, it seems, my Lenten journey this year is going to include wrestling in the desert with these hopes of mine that are still stuck hanging around, waiting for their wind. In light of the theme of love I articulated in my last post, I'm going to be reflecting on my own visions of love and why the things I dream about sometimes seem so incredibly elusive. The Easter story, in a nutshell, is about God's intimate, passionate love for us. This story shapes everything I believe about love. When my hopes get dashed, I think it's because of my repeated refusal to buy into society's competing worldviews of what love is "supposed" to be about. In these moments, sometimes my own faith languishes as I pause to question whether or not the things I hope for actually do exist. But, in time, I eventually return to the space where I again taste and see that love really does exist in the way that I understand it--and this is what gives me the courage to dream. I know this at the very core of my being, and this is the very bedrock on which my faith rests. Sometimes I just forget.
I hope that I will always dare to dream, even during my brief desert expeditions.
"Hold fast to dreams for if dreams die, life is a broken winged bird that cannot fly." ~Langston Hughes
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Monday, March 07, 2011
A Lenten Journey: Love's Recovery
I've been thinking ahead to Lent, pondering what shape I would like it to take this year as I seek to deepen my spiritual life in some meaningful way that's appropriately relevant to my "now." People often give something up for Lent, as a spiritual practice reflecting sacrifice and penitence...but really the focus of this discipline is not what we "give up" but what we replace that "giving up" with. It's an exercise meant to renew our focus on our relationship with God and what that means for us in our lives.
Tomorrow is Ash Wednesday, which marks the beginning of the Lenten season. Lent is actually one of my favorite times of the liturgical church year, as it is a season that is rich in metaphors (sin and grace; brokenness and wholeness; journeying through the wilderness to the promised land; life, death and resurrection; etc.). One of the Bible verses that always comes to mind at this time of year is one that stood out to me during the first Ash Wednesday service I attended in college:
"Yet even now, says the Lord, return to me with all your heart, with fasting, with weeping, and with mourning; rend your hearts and not your clothing. Return to the Lord, your God, for he is gracious and merciful, slow to anger, and abounding in steadfast love, and relents from punishing." ~Joel 2:12-13
"Return to me with all your heart." This is always the theme that stands out for me as I think of Lent each year. This year, rather than trying to think about what I might "give up" for Lent, I'm pondering what kinds of things I might do to actively engage this task of returning to God with all my heart. What might this look like? I just read a reflection by one of my seminary colleagues who writes about a similar contrast: Giving Up or Opening Up.
Yesterday morning on the way to work I discovered more clues to my spiritual path as I continued listening to the Indigo Girls (I'm on Disk 2 now of the 1200 Curfews album). My attention took hold as the following lyrics played:
"Oh how I wish I were a trinity
So if I lost a part of me
I'd still have two of the same to live..."
It's hard to live life fully with an open heart without continually facing threats of losing a part of yourself in the midst of the journey. To live an authentic life requires constantly risking yourself. (I've never been very good at the whole "putting up walls" thing.) I loved how these lyrics recognized the reality of this risk of loss while remaining unwavering in the desire to keep forging ahead, living life to the fullest.
"But nobody gets a lifetime rehearsal..."
Oh, God, there are definitely days on which I could really use some dress rehearsal time! But...it's not gonna happen. Thankfully there's grace in appropriate places and at pertinent times, to help minimize the bruising when we don't always get things quite right.
"As specks of dust we're universal..."
Segue to Ash Wednesday! (You are dust, and to dust you shall return...) I was beginning to see my own personal theme for this year's Lenten journey take form. I began to ponder the title of the song that was playing: "Love's Recovery." And then I heard the echoes of my favorite Lenten verse, "Return to the Lord with all your heart."
"To let this love survive would be the
Greatest gift we could give..."
I rewound the song and began to listen to it from the beginning. Tell me, Emily Saliers and Amy Ray, about this greatest gift of love. As I listened to the lyrics I heard the story of a love that weathers the storm and safely survives even as relationships fall apart all around the pair. Love's Recovery.
"Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things." ~1 Corinthians 13:7
My journey this Lent is going to be a journey about Love. If there's anything I've learned through my fitness journey, it's that everything we "DO" matters. Rituals matter. Repetition matters. What we think about matters. And so, I'm reminded, that in order to surround myself with the kind of love I hope to have in my life, I need to return to the very source of that love. ("We love because he first loved us." ~1 John 4:19). Immerse myself in that love. Practice and participate in that love. And then, most importantly, share the love.
Tomorrow is Ash Wednesday, which marks the beginning of the Lenten season. Lent is actually one of my favorite times of the liturgical church year, as it is a season that is rich in metaphors (sin and grace; brokenness and wholeness; journeying through the wilderness to the promised land; life, death and resurrection; etc.). One of the Bible verses that always comes to mind at this time of year is one that stood out to me during the first Ash Wednesday service I attended in college:
"Yet even now, says the Lord, return to me with all your heart, with fasting, with weeping, and with mourning; rend your hearts and not your clothing. Return to the Lord, your God, for he is gracious and merciful, slow to anger, and abounding in steadfast love, and relents from punishing." ~Joel 2:12-13
"Return to me with all your heart." This is always the theme that stands out for me as I think of Lent each year. This year, rather than trying to think about what I might "give up" for Lent, I'm pondering what kinds of things I might do to actively engage this task of returning to God with all my heart. What might this look like? I just read a reflection by one of my seminary colleagues who writes about a similar contrast: Giving Up or Opening Up.
Yesterday morning on the way to work I discovered more clues to my spiritual path as I continued listening to the Indigo Girls (I'm on Disk 2 now of the 1200 Curfews album). My attention took hold as the following lyrics played:
"Oh how I wish I were a trinity
So if I lost a part of me
I'd still have two of the same to live..."
It's hard to live life fully with an open heart without continually facing threats of losing a part of yourself in the midst of the journey. To live an authentic life requires constantly risking yourself. (I've never been very good at the whole "putting up walls" thing.) I loved how these lyrics recognized the reality of this risk of loss while remaining unwavering in the desire to keep forging ahead, living life to the fullest.
"But nobody gets a lifetime rehearsal..."
Oh, God, there are definitely days on which I could really use some dress rehearsal time! But...it's not gonna happen. Thankfully there's grace in appropriate places and at pertinent times, to help minimize the bruising when we don't always get things quite right.
"As specks of dust we're universal..."
Segue to Ash Wednesday! (You are dust, and to dust you shall return...) I was beginning to see my own personal theme for this year's Lenten journey take form. I began to ponder the title of the song that was playing: "Love's Recovery." And then I heard the echoes of my favorite Lenten verse, "Return to the Lord with all your heart."
"To let this love survive would be the
Greatest gift we could give..."
I rewound the song and began to listen to it from the beginning. Tell me, Emily Saliers and Amy Ray, about this greatest gift of love. As I listened to the lyrics I heard the story of a love that weathers the storm and safely survives even as relationships fall apart all around the pair. Love's Recovery.
"Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things." ~1 Corinthians 13:7
My journey this Lent is going to be a journey about Love. If there's anything I've learned through my fitness journey, it's that everything we "DO" matters. Rituals matter. Repetition matters. What we think about matters. And so, I'm reminded, that in order to surround myself with the kind of love I hope to have in my life, I need to return to the very source of that love. ("We love because he first loved us." ~1 John 4:19). Immerse myself in that love. Practice and participate in that love. And then, most importantly, share the love.
Thursday, March 03, 2011
For Everything There Is a Season
Over the last couple of weeks, as I've struggled with enduring a long season of trying to fight off colds, viruses, and other ailments that have plagued me off and on since New Year's Day, I have been intentional in trying to listen for what I'm supposed to be learning during this time. Rather, regardless of whether I am "supposed" to be learning anything, it's still important for me to ask the question, what "can" I be learning?
This latest bout--round 3--has really dug me down deep. I'm wrestling with an asthmatic bronchitis that has taken deep root in my lungs and I've been slow to recover from. Just yesterday I returned to the doctor for an updated plan of action for helping to return me to my healthy self. It's slow going, but I have faith that I am finally on the right track and will soon be able to put this "sick" season behind me. My spirit NEEDS to finally put this season behind me. Besides my body being exhausted from fighting off ailments, there are moments when I've felt the emotional effects of depression from being down so long physically. I can't get out to do the things that help ward off the usual negative toxins that life throws at you: stress, anxiety, sadness, or whatever other things come up in usual day to day life. My ability to go work it all off at the gym has been thwarted by not being able to breathe. Oxygen is important.
So, in spite of everything, I've tried to embrace even being sick by trying to listen for what I might be able to hear. It's lonely lying in bed trying to breathe through inflamed bronchial tissues, just trying to sleep so my body will have time to repair itself. When the tears come (I'm sure the various steroids I'm on have had an added effect to feeling hormonally out of sync) I try to maintain a delicate balance of letting them run the course they need to but also trying to gently steer them away as I know crying is not helpful for someone already struggling with breathing issues. Finally in the last couple of days some of my intention is starting to pay off. I'm recognizing some spiritual movements within that are leading me to feel more hopeful again. I'd say there's a lot in life that is worth putting up with if I find that I am also simultaneously being spiritually moved. But, just as creative inspiration usually cannot be forced, spiritually moving experiences aren't usually something we can just plan on. We can be disciplined in trying to create spaces that allow such things to happen, but then...we just have to sit and wait, sometimes in sheer silence. But, as I was reminded today, sometimes God is in the silence.
1 Kings 19:11-12:
"He said, 'Go out and stand on the mountain before the Lord, for the Lord is about to pass by.' Now there was a great wind, so strong that it was splitting mountains and breaking rocks in pieces before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind; and after the wind an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake; and after the earthquake a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire; and after the fire a sound of sheer silence."
Sometimes we have a tendency to look for God in moments that dazzle, amaze, excite, thrill, or even comfort us in some dramatic ways. But sometimes there is simply silence. Perhaps when we try to pay attention to God's presence in those moments and places where there is silence--moments and places which, on the surface, may seem to reflect God's absence--perhaps this act of spiritual discipline actually beckons God's presence into our life and hearts in a new way as we are intentionally seeking God out...extending an invitation for God to come near.
So, I've been seeking God in the silence, trusting that if I keep listening, eventually the words would come. In the last several days or so I've felt myself entering into a new season of my life....a season which I'm hoping will begin with feeling healthy again soon! Additionally, I am looking forward to a season of spiritual nourishment and growth. Having already sensed this spiritual shifting in various ways internally, I finally heard some words that I was needing to hear as I was driving home from work today. Sometimes God speaks in the silence. Other times, God speaks while listening to the Indigo Girls. "Kristy, what do you want your life to be about right now?" This is the focus I've been looking for. I want a lot of things, but I know where the focus has to be if I want those things ever to come true. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. The things I want come out of what I treasure most. And actually, as I am typing and reflecting on the fact that I just said I want a lot of things, I realize in some respects that I really only want one thing: one true love. But, like creative inspiration, and spiritual experiences, real love can't be conjured up on command. I can be disciplined in creating an open and welcoming space for love to enter in....but then I can only wait for nature to take its course. But I'm re-learning that it's worth it to wait for the real thing. It's worth everything for that one thing.
This latest bout--round 3--has really dug me down deep. I'm wrestling with an asthmatic bronchitis that has taken deep root in my lungs and I've been slow to recover from. Just yesterday I returned to the doctor for an updated plan of action for helping to return me to my healthy self. It's slow going, but I have faith that I am finally on the right track and will soon be able to put this "sick" season behind me. My spirit NEEDS to finally put this season behind me. Besides my body being exhausted from fighting off ailments, there are moments when I've felt the emotional effects of depression from being down so long physically. I can't get out to do the things that help ward off the usual negative toxins that life throws at you: stress, anxiety, sadness, or whatever other things come up in usual day to day life. My ability to go work it all off at the gym has been thwarted by not being able to breathe. Oxygen is important.
So, in spite of everything, I've tried to embrace even being sick by trying to listen for what I might be able to hear. It's lonely lying in bed trying to breathe through inflamed bronchial tissues, just trying to sleep so my body will have time to repair itself. When the tears come (I'm sure the various steroids I'm on have had an added effect to feeling hormonally out of sync) I try to maintain a delicate balance of letting them run the course they need to but also trying to gently steer them away as I know crying is not helpful for someone already struggling with breathing issues. Finally in the last couple of days some of my intention is starting to pay off. I'm recognizing some spiritual movements within that are leading me to feel more hopeful again. I'd say there's a lot in life that is worth putting up with if I find that I am also simultaneously being spiritually moved. But, just as creative inspiration usually cannot be forced, spiritually moving experiences aren't usually something we can just plan on. We can be disciplined in trying to create spaces that allow such things to happen, but then...we just have to sit and wait, sometimes in sheer silence. But, as I was reminded today, sometimes God is in the silence.
1 Kings 19:11-12:
"He said, 'Go out and stand on the mountain before the Lord, for the Lord is about to pass by.' Now there was a great wind, so strong that it was splitting mountains and breaking rocks in pieces before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind; and after the wind an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake; and after the earthquake a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire; and after the fire a sound of sheer silence."
Sometimes we have a tendency to look for God in moments that dazzle, amaze, excite, thrill, or even comfort us in some dramatic ways. But sometimes there is simply silence. Perhaps when we try to pay attention to God's presence in those moments and places where there is silence--moments and places which, on the surface, may seem to reflect God's absence--perhaps this act of spiritual discipline actually beckons God's presence into our life and hearts in a new way as we are intentionally seeking God out...extending an invitation for God to come near.
So, I've been seeking God in the silence, trusting that if I keep listening, eventually the words would come. In the last several days or so I've felt myself entering into a new season of my life....a season which I'm hoping will begin with feeling healthy again soon! Additionally, I am looking forward to a season of spiritual nourishment and growth. Having already sensed this spiritual shifting in various ways internally, I finally heard some words that I was needing to hear as I was driving home from work today. Sometimes God speaks in the silence. Other times, God speaks while listening to the Indigo Girls. "Kristy, what do you want your life to be about right now?" This is the focus I've been looking for. I want a lot of things, but I know where the focus has to be if I want those things ever to come true. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. The things I want come out of what I treasure most. And actually, as I am typing and reflecting on the fact that I just said I want a lot of things, I realize in some respects that I really only want one thing: one true love. But, like creative inspiration, and spiritual experiences, real love can't be conjured up on command. I can be disciplined in creating an open and welcoming space for love to enter in....but then I can only wait for nature to take its course. But I'm re-learning that it's worth it to wait for the real thing. It's worth everything for that one thing.
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Get Well Soon
Evidently I spoke too soon. Just as I thought I was finally well enough to move on living my inspired life, another bug took hold of me. And of course, each bout of being sick has left me feeling at least a shade more miserable than the one prior. Oh what a wretched week it has been! And that's putting it quite nicely.
The good news is the doctor finally loaded me up with an arsenal of drugs to try to combat bronchitis and the flu. Hopefully this will help me finally get well once and for all so I can actually get on with my life again. It's killing me to be down so long.
It pains me that I am blogging about being sick. I wish that I had the energy to write about the many other things that currently touch my heart and my soul. I am trying to be patient with being sick--to learn what I can from every moment in my life, even when I am simply lying in bed coughing up a lung.
There are some things in life we don't have much control over in some respects, but we do have a lot of control over how we choose to respond to them. So, although a part of me resents having spent probably at least 6 of the last 8 weeks being sick in some form or another, I am thankful for an earnest heart that is striving to maintain a sense of peace, optimism, hope and reverence for my very life. It's all a gift. Every obstacle is a learning opportunity if we are willing to open our eyes to it as a teachable moment. I hope I will always live life with my eyes open. Actually, even more importantly, I hope I will always live into my future with an open heart as well.
In the meantime, I am just going to be praying for some open lungs!
The good news is the doctor finally loaded me up with an arsenal of drugs to try to combat bronchitis and the flu. Hopefully this will help me finally get well once and for all so I can actually get on with my life again. It's killing me to be down so long.
It pains me that I am blogging about being sick. I wish that I had the energy to write about the many other things that currently touch my heart and my soul. I am trying to be patient with being sick--to learn what I can from every moment in my life, even when I am simply lying in bed coughing up a lung.
There are some things in life we don't have much control over in some respects, but we do have a lot of control over how we choose to respond to them. So, although a part of me resents having spent probably at least 6 of the last 8 weeks being sick in some form or another, I am thankful for an earnest heart that is striving to maintain a sense of peace, optimism, hope and reverence for my very life. It's all a gift. Every obstacle is a learning opportunity if we are willing to open our eyes to it as a teachable moment. I hope I will always live life with my eyes open. Actually, even more importantly, I hope I will always live into my future with an open heart as well.
In the meantime, I am just going to be praying for some open lungs!
Sunday, February 20, 2011
30 Day Return Policy
So, I'm sitting here cleaning off my desk at home, and I feel compelled to come here to my blog page. I notice immediately that my last post was January 20...and it's now February 20. 30 days! It's time for a new post. I've written several posts in my head on the fly in recent weeks as life has kept me too preoccupied to find time for blogging in the real physical sense. Although there have been many topics that have touched me in the last 30 days since my last post, I am jumping in to this post rather suddenly without any real plan for what's going to come out as my fingers strike the keyboard. Not my usual method...so it could get interesting...
2011 started out with a bang for me. I felt lots of amazing, inspiring energy leading up to the New Year as I was looking forward to what I think is going to a beautiful, fun, and fulfilling year for me in many ways. I had just rejoined the gym to continue working on my fitness goals, and I was thriving in my workouts which metaphorically spilled over into my every day life and led me to exclaim with a bright smile, "I'm having a love affair with my life!"
But, as January arrived I suddenly picked up a bad cold. Then, just as I was getting better mid-month I picked up a nasty virus. I spent most of the month being sick...and have only just started feeling like a normal human being again in the last couple of weeks. So, it was a real momentum killer to all that passion I was riding towards the end of December. It's so frustrating to have desires flaring in your heart, but to be limited from being able to act on them! Lately I've been trying to remind myself that I don't have to live my entire life in one day. It's not the end of the world to have to pace your exuberance.
So, here I am, returning after a 30 day break from blogging. What do I feel I have to say? Where am I now in comparison to 30 days ago? I guess, to use an all-too-common metaphor, I am getting ready for a new chapter in my life. The depth of winter has passed as the days are finally beginning to get longer and spring is getting closer; I'm finally well enough to return to a more regular workout regimen--something that fuels my passion and continues to inspire me in all facets of my life; my basketball season has ended, freeing up my weekends for alternative activities including weekend road trips (my sister in Bellingham is particularly excited about this!); and after a year of several important growth spurts, I'm simply looking forward to putting all the new things that I've learned about myself into play as I continue on in this fascinating journey of life. I can't wait to see what new things are in store and discover what such things may have to teach me about myself and about the world around me.
And hopefully this new chapter will also allow more adequate blogging time!
2011 started out with a bang for me. I felt lots of amazing, inspiring energy leading up to the New Year as I was looking forward to what I think is going to a beautiful, fun, and fulfilling year for me in many ways. I had just rejoined the gym to continue working on my fitness goals, and I was thriving in my workouts which metaphorically spilled over into my every day life and led me to exclaim with a bright smile, "I'm having a love affair with my life!"
But, as January arrived I suddenly picked up a bad cold. Then, just as I was getting better mid-month I picked up a nasty virus. I spent most of the month being sick...and have only just started feeling like a normal human being again in the last couple of weeks. So, it was a real momentum killer to all that passion I was riding towards the end of December. It's so frustrating to have desires flaring in your heart, but to be limited from being able to act on them! Lately I've been trying to remind myself that I don't have to live my entire life in one day. It's not the end of the world to have to pace your exuberance.
So, here I am, returning after a 30 day break from blogging. What do I feel I have to say? Where am I now in comparison to 30 days ago? I guess, to use an all-too-common metaphor, I am getting ready for a new chapter in my life. The depth of winter has passed as the days are finally beginning to get longer and spring is getting closer; I'm finally well enough to return to a more regular workout regimen--something that fuels my passion and continues to inspire me in all facets of my life; my basketball season has ended, freeing up my weekends for alternative activities including weekend road trips (my sister in Bellingham is particularly excited about this!); and after a year of several important growth spurts, I'm simply looking forward to putting all the new things that I've learned about myself into play as I continue on in this fascinating journey of life. I can't wait to see what new things are in store and discover what such things may have to teach me about myself and about the world around me.
And hopefully this new chapter will also allow more adequate blogging time!
Thursday, January 20, 2011
I've never been good at goodbye
In the wee hours of this morning I find myself thinking about silence and the space it provides for the voices of the soul to speak.
This morning a quote from a movie emerges from my thoughts. It's from one of the most moving scenes I've ever watched--a scene from Homeward Bound: The Incredible Journey. Yes, those animal movies will get you every time! The two dogs and cat are making their journey across the landscape trying to get back to their human family. As they are crossing a train yard Shadow, the wise, old Golden Retriever, falls into a hole and injures his leg. He is unable to climb back up out from the hole. Chance, the young, exuberant American Bulldog, encourages him to not give up now! But, Shadow is just too old and now he is injured--it looks like he's not going to make it up out of the slippery sides of the hole he is now trapped in.
Shadow then imparts to the young Chance some of the most insightful words of wisdom I've ever heard:
"You've learned all you need to know, Chance. Now all you need to learn is how to say goodbye."
It's a heart-wrenching scene--I sobbed upon hearing these words. I've always hated goodbyes! But in spite of my tears I recognized how profound and graceful Shadow's words were.
Of course, that scene makes the ending of the movie all the more moving as we discover that Shadow does miraculously escape from the hole and still makes his way home to rejoin the family just a half-second after they've all had the realization that he wasn't able to survive the journey. Yep--you guessed it--more tears for me! I have no shame in being moved--even by a Disney movie!
Goodbyes, hellos, tears of grief, tears of joy....sometimes they are all so intricately intertwined. I'm feeling a lot of that these days. I've always been gifted and being able to laugh and cry simultaneously--I think both are important if one wishes to experience the very fullness of life. I'm wrestling with what it all means for me. The deepest joys often bring that very same depth of grief--this doesn't seem like a very fair trade-off. Shall I then seek a life that is more shallow so that it might not hurt as much? Of course that's a ridiculous notion to me, but the argument does have its merits!
I found this video clip while searching for the scene I described above. While it's not exactly what I was originally looking for, I wept upon encountering it and felt moved to include it here. Even in our goodbyes we are never really alone. And sometimes goodbyes aren't really "goodbye"....but just "see you in a little bit."
This morning a quote from a movie emerges from my thoughts. It's from one of the most moving scenes I've ever watched--a scene from Homeward Bound: The Incredible Journey. Yes, those animal movies will get you every time! The two dogs and cat are making their journey across the landscape trying to get back to their human family. As they are crossing a train yard Shadow, the wise, old Golden Retriever, falls into a hole and injures his leg. He is unable to climb back up out from the hole. Chance, the young, exuberant American Bulldog, encourages him to not give up now! But, Shadow is just too old and now he is injured--it looks like he's not going to make it up out of the slippery sides of the hole he is now trapped in.
Shadow then imparts to the young Chance some of the most insightful words of wisdom I've ever heard:
"You've learned all you need to know, Chance. Now all you need to learn is how to say goodbye."
It's a heart-wrenching scene--I sobbed upon hearing these words. I've always hated goodbyes! But in spite of my tears I recognized how profound and graceful Shadow's words were.
Of course, that scene makes the ending of the movie all the more moving as we discover that Shadow does miraculously escape from the hole and still makes his way home to rejoin the family just a half-second after they've all had the realization that he wasn't able to survive the journey. Yep--you guessed it--more tears for me! I have no shame in being moved--even by a Disney movie!
Goodbyes, hellos, tears of grief, tears of joy....sometimes they are all so intricately intertwined. I'm feeling a lot of that these days. I've always been gifted and being able to laugh and cry simultaneously--I think both are important if one wishes to experience the very fullness of life. I'm wrestling with what it all means for me. The deepest joys often bring that very same depth of grief--this doesn't seem like a very fair trade-off. Shall I then seek a life that is more shallow so that it might not hurt as much? Of course that's a ridiculous notion to me, but the argument does have its merits!
I found this video clip while searching for the scene I described above. While it's not exactly what I was originally looking for, I wept upon encountering it and felt moved to include it here. Even in our goodbyes we are never really alone. And sometimes goodbyes aren't really "goodbye"....but just "see you in a little bit."
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
My birthday speech
On the eve of my birthday, I think it's appropriate to share some thoughts about my life that have been on my mind recently.
As many of those who are in closest proximity to me know, this year has been one of incredible growth for me--in more ways than I can count. As a result, it is with immense gratitude that I am able to report that, although I definitely still have a lot of living left to do, I find that I have reached a place in my life in which I finally feel like if I happened to die tomorrow, I would die with the contentment that my life--though still short in many respects--has been full and complete in the ways that are most important. I wonder how many people are able to say that.
I still have many goals and dreams for the days ahead, and I don't plan on slowing down anytime soon. But, I still felt moved to share this new peace in my life and to extend a heartfelt thank you to all those who have touched my life from the biggest to smallest of ways--every bit of it counts and has made me who I am today. I've been incredibly blessed with an amazing family and wonderful friendships and acquaintances, and there's not a day that goes by that I'm not mindful of this. I will be celebrating all of you on my birthday, as I wouldn't now be "ME" without all of you first being "YOU".
Thank you. And I pray that each of you will also come to know this peace that passes all understanding, if you have not tasted it already.
As many of those who are in closest proximity to me know, this year has been one of incredible growth for me--in more ways than I can count. As a result, it is with immense gratitude that I am able to report that, although I definitely still have a lot of living left to do, I find that I have reached a place in my life in which I finally feel like if I happened to die tomorrow, I would die with the contentment that my life--though still short in many respects--has been full and complete in the ways that are most important. I wonder how many people are able to say that.
I still have many goals and dreams for the days ahead, and I don't plan on slowing down anytime soon. But, I still felt moved to share this new peace in my life and to extend a heartfelt thank you to all those who have touched my life from the biggest to smallest of ways--every bit of it counts and has made me who I am today. I've been incredibly blessed with an amazing family and wonderful friendships and acquaintances, and there's not a day that goes by that I'm not mindful of this. I will be celebrating all of you on my birthday, as I wouldn't now be "ME" without all of you first being "YOU".
Thank you. And I pray that each of you will also come to know this peace that passes all understanding, if you have not tasted it already.
Monday, January 17, 2011
What's Your Story?
We live by the stories we tell.
~Elie Wiesel, holocaust survivor
My pastor shared these words in her Christmas Eve sermon, and immediately I wrote them down as they struck a chord in me. I find this phrase filled with all kinds of meaning. I think it speaks true whether we are talking about external stories, or internal stories. By external stories I am referring to those stories that occur outside of us--the histories and tales we hear from those around us. Sometimes we hear these external stories live, as they are happening. Other stories have been passed on for years, decades...even centuries or longer.
By internal stories I am talking about those stories that make up who we are. They are not just a literal history, as I believe we are all much more than that. Our stories are also our thoughts, our voices, our feelings, our secrets, our desires, our fears, our loves, our dislikes, our tragedies, our celebrations....everything about us that makes up the essence of who we are. Everything that shapes us.
Sometimes the line between external stories and internal stories is quite fuzzy. Some external stories receive such prominence in our lives that we begin to incorporate pieces of those stories into our very selves. They become external truths with which we feel such a meaningful connection that we begin to internalize them and make them part of our own story.
This is why I think this concept of "living by the stories we tell" is so powerful. It's not just about repeating the stories that we've had told to us--the stories of our faith and traditions, the stories of our ancestors, the stories of our "people" (whoever those may be). But, it's also about recognizing the power that storytelling has over our lives even when we don't realize we are in fact telling stories. So many of the stories we tell are so subtle that we don't even recognize them as such.
When I heard these words by Wiesel, they reminded me immediately of another of my favorite quotes:
"To be deprived of one's story is the most ruthless form of oppression."
~T.E. Clarke
If we live by the stories we tell, it is not far-fetched to consider that we sometimes die by the stories that are left untold. To silence someone--to deny them their voice--is probably one of the most destructive weapons you can use against the human spirit. I think in particular of individuals who find themselves trapped under a heavy blanket of silence with secrets they find far too shameful to share. To be deprived of one's story causes alienation and isolation. To kill someone's voice is like depriving oxygen to their human spirit. You might as well be suffocating them with a pillow shoved in their face.
For the past year I have worked alongside many homeless people. I've witnessed the pain of alienation and isolation that many of them have experienced as a result of losing their voice in society. Apart from the obvious need of having their basic needs met, I still recognize that for many of them, their simplest of all needs is just to have someone there who is willing to listen--to hear their story. To be deprived of one's story is not only oppressive, it's dehumanizing.
The other key point that stands out for me with this idea of living by the stories we tell is the fact that it matters absolutely what kind of stories we are telling. There are stories that are affirming and there are stories that are damaging. When we don't recognize the power of storytelling in our lives we are all the more susceptible to the destructiveness of telling damaging stories. When we grow to recognize what stories we are telling--both the external and the internal stories--we start to become empowered and more in control of influencing and choosing what kinds of stories we want to live by.
In many ways this past year, for me, has been a time of paying more attention to myself as a storyteller. The past few years have taken me through some major life changes--just about any life change one could imagine--and this journey has taken me to many different places and provided me with many new stories. As I learn new stories about myself I find myself recognizing that some of the older stories have now run their course and are ready to come to an end. As I hear new stories I get energized and inspired and find myself thinking ahead to what new chapters or sequels lie ahead. Some of these will be external stories, and I simply have to wait for what's in store, but others are internal stories--stories in which I am the writer and the narrator and the protagonist. Well, okay, I admit in some stories I am still the antagonist as well, but that's what makes a good drama!
As I examine the current expression of my life and am proud and humbled and exhilarated by the fact that I am finally living my most authentic story, I recognize that I've arrived here by wrestling with all of those endless texts, scribbling out multiple rough drafts, throwing the crap stories in the wastebasket (while practicing my hoops with crumpled paper balls), and ultimately recognizing that I am the one with the power to change my story and make it what I want it to be. I know I've shared it before, but this is one of the stories I have been focused on for quite some time:
"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you've imagined."
~Henry David Thoreau
I attribute the place I am at right now directly to all the blood, sweat and tears I have poured out throughout my fitness journey. I recognized before I took the very first step on this journey that my goal was not simply about losing weight--I had the literal premonition that it was the magic formula that was going to allow me to take control and make my life exactly what I wanted it to be.
I made up my own quote the other day as a spin-off of the Thoreau quote: "To make all your dreams come true, you first need the courage to dream them."
Be brave, write down all your dreams, and embrace your role as the storyteller. End the stories that don't need to be told anymore. Write new chapters for the stories that need changing. Begin new stories where you have felt that restless longing.
That's what I've been doing while I've been busy busting my ass at the gym. I'm finally living the life I imagined, and this is only the beginning.
That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.
~Elie Wiesel, holocaust survivor
My pastor shared these words in her Christmas Eve sermon, and immediately I wrote them down as they struck a chord in me. I find this phrase filled with all kinds of meaning. I think it speaks true whether we are talking about external stories, or internal stories. By external stories I am referring to those stories that occur outside of us--the histories and tales we hear from those around us. Sometimes we hear these external stories live, as they are happening. Other stories have been passed on for years, decades...even centuries or longer.
By internal stories I am talking about those stories that make up who we are. They are not just a literal history, as I believe we are all much more than that. Our stories are also our thoughts, our voices, our feelings, our secrets, our desires, our fears, our loves, our dislikes, our tragedies, our celebrations....everything about us that makes up the essence of who we are. Everything that shapes us.
Sometimes the line between external stories and internal stories is quite fuzzy. Some external stories receive such prominence in our lives that we begin to incorporate pieces of those stories into our very selves. They become external truths with which we feel such a meaningful connection that we begin to internalize them and make them part of our own story.
This is why I think this concept of "living by the stories we tell" is so powerful. It's not just about repeating the stories that we've had told to us--the stories of our faith and traditions, the stories of our ancestors, the stories of our "people" (whoever those may be). But, it's also about recognizing the power that storytelling has over our lives even when we don't realize we are in fact telling stories. So many of the stories we tell are so subtle that we don't even recognize them as such.
When I heard these words by Wiesel, they reminded me immediately of another of my favorite quotes:
"To be deprived of one's story is the most ruthless form of oppression."
~T.E. Clarke
If we live by the stories we tell, it is not far-fetched to consider that we sometimes die by the stories that are left untold. To silence someone--to deny them their voice--is probably one of the most destructive weapons you can use against the human spirit. I think in particular of individuals who find themselves trapped under a heavy blanket of silence with secrets they find far too shameful to share. To be deprived of one's story causes alienation and isolation. To kill someone's voice is like depriving oxygen to their human spirit. You might as well be suffocating them with a pillow shoved in their face.
For the past year I have worked alongside many homeless people. I've witnessed the pain of alienation and isolation that many of them have experienced as a result of losing their voice in society. Apart from the obvious need of having their basic needs met, I still recognize that for many of them, their simplest of all needs is just to have someone there who is willing to listen--to hear their story. To be deprived of one's story is not only oppressive, it's dehumanizing.
The other key point that stands out for me with this idea of living by the stories we tell is the fact that it matters absolutely what kind of stories we are telling. There are stories that are affirming and there are stories that are damaging. When we don't recognize the power of storytelling in our lives we are all the more susceptible to the destructiveness of telling damaging stories. When we grow to recognize what stories we are telling--both the external and the internal stories--we start to become empowered and more in control of influencing and choosing what kinds of stories we want to live by.
In many ways this past year, for me, has been a time of paying more attention to myself as a storyteller. The past few years have taken me through some major life changes--just about any life change one could imagine--and this journey has taken me to many different places and provided me with many new stories. As I learn new stories about myself I find myself recognizing that some of the older stories have now run their course and are ready to come to an end. As I hear new stories I get energized and inspired and find myself thinking ahead to what new chapters or sequels lie ahead. Some of these will be external stories, and I simply have to wait for what's in store, but others are internal stories--stories in which I am the writer and the narrator and the protagonist. Well, okay, I admit in some stories I am still the antagonist as well, but that's what makes a good drama!
As I examine the current expression of my life and am proud and humbled and exhilarated by the fact that I am finally living my most authentic story, I recognize that I've arrived here by wrestling with all of those endless texts, scribbling out multiple rough drafts, throwing the crap stories in the wastebasket (while practicing my hoops with crumpled paper balls), and ultimately recognizing that I am the one with the power to change my story and make it what I want it to be. I know I've shared it before, but this is one of the stories I have been focused on for quite some time:
"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you've imagined."
~Henry David Thoreau
I attribute the place I am at right now directly to all the blood, sweat and tears I have poured out throughout my fitness journey. I recognized before I took the very first step on this journey that my goal was not simply about losing weight--I had the literal premonition that it was the magic formula that was going to allow me to take control and make my life exactly what I wanted it to be.
I made up my own quote the other day as a spin-off of the Thoreau quote: "To make all your dreams come true, you first need the courage to dream them."
Be brave, write down all your dreams, and embrace your role as the storyteller. End the stories that don't need to be told anymore. Write new chapters for the stories that need changing. Begin new stories where you have felt that restless longing.
That's what I've been doing while I've been busy busting my ass at the gym. I'm finally living the life I imagined, and this is only the beginning.
That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
A People Mover and a Wounded Feeler
I recently set my sights on a particular identity I want to claim for myself: I want to be a People Mover! A few weeks ago, I received an email from a friend who shared comments on how much I move her; this email prompted me to recognize an overwhelming sense of call to this particular mission. I want to be a People Mover! Indeed, this is something I find quite rewarding. I love to share words that touch people--that move them. Perhaps this is simply because I, myself, love to be moved. Affected. To move someone is to touch them emotionally in some way. I've always been a tactile person--yet, I never recognized how that also stretches out into the emotional realm for me. If I can move you, I can know that I am reaching out and touching you...making a human connection.
My sense of calling as a People Mover has been reinforced throughout the past year, particularly through the ways in which I have found myself serving as a source of inspiration for many friends, loved ones, and acquaintances by the success of my endeavors on my fitness journey. This has been an amazing gift for me--knowing that all my hard work, focus, discipline, and success have not only brought about life-changing results for me, but they also extend out beyond me in such a way that others can somehow share in the fruits of my labors. As a People Mover, I see how the choices I make in my own life help me to serve as a cheerleader for others as I inspire them to join me along the way on this amazing journey of life. What a remarkable gift and an incredible honor this has been. While I am excited to share my passion with others, I am also quite humbled.
Earlier this week, I encountered a lovely quote from one of my favorite spiritual sages:
"When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand."
~Henri Nouwen
Ah, yes, that sounds like Nouwen...the "Wounded Healer" himself. In one of his most well-known books, The Wounded Healer, Nouwen shares this wisdom: "In our own woundedness we can become a source of life for others."
Nouwen was a Wounded Healer. This new inspiration by his words instantly moved me to claim another new identity for myself: I want to be a Wounded Feeler! As I encountered this new (to me) quote by Nouwen, I recognized myself in the words...my longing to willingly take on the pain of others, to share their pain and touch their wounds with a warm and tender hand. I saw myself in these words so clearly because I had just days prior expressed my heart-felt love to a friend using amazingly similar words. Just as I wish to reach out and touch others--make a human connection--through attempting to move them, I also wish to do so by reaching out and touching them through standing in solidarity with them in their moments of pain, or grief, or heartache....or any other human emotion, really. Sure, I will happily share in your joy, as well! But, truly, I find that it's the willingness to be fully present with another human being in those places in which they are the most vulnerable, the most delicate, the most in need of feeling the touch of grace, to be the most meaningfully intimate and rewarding experiences in life. It is an honor to be invited into such places. And a blessing for me when someone welcomes my own tears on their behalf. I suppose it's probably the most personal gift I could offer another human being. Actually, this reminds me of another amazing quote I encountered today:
"There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief...and unspeakable love."
~Washington Irving
Ultimately, I realize that my goals of becoming a People Mover and a Wounded Feeler are also a reflection of entering into a period in my life in which I am freely loving myself in a much more all-encompassing way than I've done so before. It is this genuine love of self, and my awareness of the ways in which God wants to use me to touch the world that allow me to fully embrace this calling. In turn, I am finding my life to be infused with a refreshingly new sense of passion and energy as I feel more alive than ever and enthusiastic about my future.
Of course, I wouldn't know how to be a People Mover and a Wounded Feeler without having first been touched by others who reflect these particular gifts. My heart is grateful to the many people in my life who have helped reveal these insights through their own willingness to share themselves with me. Thank you for moving me...and for feeling me.
My sense of calling as a People Mover has been reinforced throughout the past year, particularly through the ways in which I have found myself serving as a source of inspiration for many friends, loved ones, and acquaintances by the success of my endeavors on my fitness journey. This has been an amazing gift for me--knowing that all my hard work, focus, discipline, and success have not only brought about life-changing results for me, but they also extend out beyond me in such a way that others can somehow share in the fruits of my labors. As a People Mover, I see how the choices I make in my own life help me to serve as a cheerleader for others as I inspire them to join me along the way on this amazing journey of life. What a remarkable gift and an incredible honor this has been. While I am excited to share my passion with others, I am also quite humbled.
Earlier this week, I encountered a lovely quote from one of my favorite spiritual sages:
"When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand."
~Henri Nouwen
Ah, yes, that sounds like Nouwen...the "Wounded Healer" himself. In one of his most well-known books, The Wounded Healer, Nouwen shares this wisdom: "In our own woundedness we can become a source of life for others."
Nouwen was a Wounded Healer. This new inspiration by his words instantly moved me to claim another new identity for myself: I want to be a Wounded Feeler! As I encountered this new (to me) quote by Nouwen, I recognized myself in the words...my longing to willingly take on the pain of others, to share their pain and touch their wounds with a warm and tender hand. I saw myself in these words so clearly because I had just days prior expressed my heart-felt love to a friend using amazingly similar words. Just as I wish to reach out and touch others--make a human connection--through attempting to move them, I also wish to do so by reaching out and touching them through standing in solidarity with them in their moments of pain, or grief, or heartache....or any other human emotion, really. Sure, I will happily share in your joy, as well! But, truly, I find that it's the willingness to be fully present with another human being in those places in which they are the most vulnerable, the most delicate, the most in need of feeling the touch of grace, to be the most meaningfully intimate and rewarding experiences in life. It is an honor to be invited into such places. And a blessing for me when someone welcomes my own tears on their behalf. I suppose it's probably the most personal gift I could offer another human being. Actually, this reminds me of another amazing quote I encountered today:
"There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief...and unspeakable love."
~Washington Irving
Ultimately, I realize that my goals of becoming a People Mover and a Wounded Feeler are also a reflection of entering into a period in my life in which I am freely loving myself in a much more all-encompassing way than I've done so before. It is this genuine love of self, and my awareness of the ways in which God wants to use me to touch the world that allow me to fully embrace this calling. In turn, I am finding my life to be infused with a refreshingly new sense of passion and energy as I feel more alive than ever and enthusiastic about my future.
Of course, I wouldn't know how to be a People Mover and a Wounded Feeler without having first been touched by others who reflect these particular gifts. My heart is grateful to the many people in my life who have helped reveal these insights through their own willingness to share themselves with me. Thank you for moving me...and for feeling me.
Sunday, January 09, 2011
Warning: Things in this mirror may be larger than they appear!
I've known for quite some time that I'm an oxymoron. I'm a complex mix of many seemingly contradictory qualities or essences...a little bit of yin and yang of everything.
Recently, however, I've finally been coming face to face with yet another truth about myself: I'm also quite an optical illusion. Sometimes I am genuinely surprised and taken aback when I'm engaging with someone (usually someone new in my life, but not always) and I find they have somehow completely missed the "real" me. I'm surprised because I always try in my own way to simply be a very genuine person....and my expectations have been that surely this genuine-ness would find its way to the surface and magically reveal the true essence of "Kristy" to the world around me. I thought genuine-ness was the magic knife that cut through everything....the light that would serve as a sort of spotlight on reflecting my true self to the world. I am finally learning that an important piece has been missing. I've been keeping too much of myself to myself!
This past year has been monumental for me in many respects. Although I've always been a very self-reflective person and intentionally pursued paths which promised continued growth in my life, this year, in particular, has been filled with many key growth spurts. Most of these growth spurts occurred as a result of direct encounters with new people in my life...visitors who met me in a face-to-face exchange, held out their hand before me, and placed in my hand another piece to the puzzle....the puzzle that serves as the very roadmap leading me to the place to which I am trying to go.
Where is it I am trying to go, you ask?
"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined."
~Henry David Thoreau
And on my way there, I am trying to visit this place:
"Don't ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive."
~Howard Thurman
Actually, it's the coming alive part that has really been the most important aspect of the journey--I hadn't realized how much I'd not been living. You can't live the life you have imagined if your aren't even living yet!
Don't get me wrong....I've for the most part had a very good life. Some ups and downs along the way just like any other average human being, but overall I feel I've been plenty blessed in my lifetime. But, I recognized life was not yet everything it could be, and that's something I've been working hard on the last few years....the momentum building as time goes on.
So, back to these puzzle pieces that my fellow life travelers have been handing to me. I liken my experience in receiving each of these pieces back to the story of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden....when they eat of the fruit from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil and "their eyes were opened." Although I'm not trying to draw comparisons about my current experiences with the concept of "sin" as it fits within the Adam and Eve story, I do find the "eyes opening" imagery to be quite descriptive in what I've experienced during each of these puzzle piece encounters. I am very much an experiential learner, and during each of these experiences my eyes literally opened up wider as new doors opened up before me, doors that led both to key new insights about myself and to new visions of the world around me. Each of these pieces has been crucial to leading me closer to the life I imagine....and I've recognized God's amazing grace wrapped around each piece as it's handed to me. Life just keeps getting better.
So, my latest self-awareness as being an optical illusion came about more as a follow-up to one of these puzzle-piece encounters. It came about as I wondered why it felt like I keep finding myself in moments when it seems I am running two minutes behind my own life. I keep missing trains that go by, as I am left waving my ticket in the air while the train fades off into the horizon ahead.
Then I had one of those moments where I woke up one day and realized I am not the person I say that I am. I suddenly realized while I talk about the importance of honesty and transparency in my life...I really don't offer this. Sure, it is indeed important to me and I value it wholeheartedly, just like being genuine.....but I suddenly realized this still doesn't mean I offer this. It suddenly dawned on me, in a very necessary and concrete way, that as an internal processor.....I am hardly transparent at all. As an internal processor I am completely honest and transparent and genuine on the INSIDE....but that looks so much different on the outside.
Suddenly it started to make all the more sense why people keep "missing" the real me: because I am slow to make her available to people. Not by any conscious intention. I've always known that it often takes time for people to get to know me...but I wasn't sure how to go about changing that. As I understood myself, I just thought that being a deeper person meant that it required others to be willing and patient enough in taking the time to get down into those deeper layers with me if they wanted to really get to know me. But now I am finally uncovering the pieces I needed to find that will enable me to be more fully present in the world as a more authentic version of myself in the here and now. I'm uncovering the pieces I needed to find in order to make sense of HOW I'm supposed to go about getting to where I've wanted to be for oh-so-long. I simply need to stop keeping too much of myself to myself! It's amazing how simple it feels when the pieces have been revealed. But I'm an experiential learner, and I just needed to have the right experience that opened the right door.
So my new intention is this: to more actively share with others about what I am thinking, as a way of being more present in the moment with people and sharing more of my true self with them. I realize, for me, that what I am "thinking" is not necessarily as simple as a concrete thought passing through my mind of which I consciously decide yay or nay whether to share aloud. As an internal processor, some of my "thinking" occurs in the very depths of my soul....and often not in clear, articulate form. Still, I recognize that there IS some sort of a small voice inside there that is fairly consistently calling out lines--lines which I am suddenly more conscious of....and realize that these are just as important to share with others in crucial moments if I am to have any hope of living the life that I imagine.
In doing so, I hope to repair the optical illusion situation I have managed to create for myself. So, lookout world: as objects in this mirror may be larger than they appear! I may look quiet and sweet and gentle on the outside....but there's a whole lot of passion just a-waitin' to be unleashed! I'm done keeping myself to myself...I want to share my passion with the world....hopefully in ways that will move and inspire others.
Recently, however, I've finally been coming face to face with yet another truth about myself: I'm also quite an optical illusion. Sometimes I am genuinely surprised and taken aback when I'm engaging with someone (usually someone new in my life, but not always) and I find they have somehow completely missed the "real" me. I'm surprised because I always try in my own way to simply be a very genuine person....and my expectations have been that surely this genuine-ness would find its way to the surface and magically reveal the true essence of "Kristy" to the world around me. I thought genuine-ness was the magic knife that cut through everything....the light that would serve as a sort of spotlight on reflecting my true self to the world. I am finally learning that an important piece has been missing. I've been keeping too much of myself to myself!
This past year has been monumental for me in many respects. Although I've always been a very self-reflective person and intentionally pursued paths which promised continued growth in my life, this year, in particular, has been filled with many key growth spurts. Most of these growth spurts occurred as a result of direct encounters with new people in my life...visitors who met me in a face-to-face exchange, held out their hand before me, and placed in my hand another piece to the puzzle....the puzzle that serves as the very roadmap leading me to the place to which I am trying to go.
Where is it I am trying to go, you ask?
"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined."
~Henry David Thoreau
And on my way there, I am trying to visit this place:
"Don't ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive."
~Howard Thurman
Actually, it's the coming alive part that has really been the most important aspect of the journey--I hadn't realized how much I'd not been living. You can't live the life you have imagined if your aren't even living yet!
Don't get me wrong....I've for the most part had a very good life. Some ups and downs along the way just like any other average human being, but overall I feel I've been plenty blessed in my lifetime. But, I recognized life was not yet everything it could be, and that's something I've been working hard on the last few years....the momentum building as time goes on.
So, back to these puzzle pieces that my fellow life travelers have been handing to me. I liken my experience in receiving each of these pieces back to the story of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden....when they eat of the fruit from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil and "their eyes were opened." Although I'm not trying to draw comparisons about my current experiences with the concept of "sin" as it fits within the Adam and Eve story, I do find the "eyes opening" imagery to be quite descriptive in what I've experienced during each of these puzzle piece encounters. I am very much an experiential learner, and during each of these experiences my eyes literally opened up wider as new doors opened up before me, doors that led both to key new insights about myself and to new visions of the world around me. Each of these pieces has been crucial to leading me closer to the life I imagine....and I've recognized God's amazing grace wrapped around each piece as it's handed to me. Life just keeps getting better.
So, my latest self-awareness as being an optical illusion came about more as a follow-up to one of these puzzle-piece encounters. It came about as I wondered why it felt like I keep finding myself in moments when it seems I am running two minutes behind my own life. I keep missing trains that go by, as I am left waving my ticket in the air while the train fades off into the horizon ahead.
Then I had one of those moments where I woke up one day and realized I am not the person I say that I am. I suddenly realized while I talk about the importance of honesty and transparency in my life...I really don't offer this. Sure, it is indeed important to me and I value it wholeheartedly, just like being genuine.....but I suddenly realized this still doesn't mean I offer this. It suddenly dawned on me, in a very necessary and concrete way, that as an internal processor.....I am hardly transparent at all. As an internal processor I am completely honest and transparent and genuine on the INSIDE....but that looks so much different on the outside.
Suddenly it started to make all the more sense why people keep "missing" the real me: because I am slow to make her available to people. Not by any conscious intention. I've always known that it often takes time for people to get to know me...but I wasn't sure how to go about changing that. As I understood myself, I just thought that being a deeper person meant that it required others to be willing and patient enough in taking the time to get down into those deeper layers with me if they wanted to really get to know me. But now I am finally uncovering the pieces I needed to find that will enable me to be more fully present in the world as a more authentic version of myself in the here and now. I'm uncovering the pieces I needed to find in order to make sense of HOW I'm supposed to go about getting to where I've wanted to be for oh-so-long. I simply need to stop keeping too much of myself to myself! It's amazing how simple it feels when the pieces have been revealed. But I'm an experiential learner, and I just needed to have the right experience that opened the right door.
So my new intention is this: to more actively share with others about what I am thinking, as a way of being more present in the moment with people and sharing more of my true self with them. I realize, for me, that what I am "thinking" is not necessarily as simple as a concrete thought passing through my mind of which I consciously decide yay or nay whether to share aloud. As an internal processor, some of my "thinking" occurs in the very depths of my soul....and often not in clear, articulate form. Still, I recognize that there IS some sort of a small voice inside there that is fairly consistently calling out lines--lines which I am suddenly more conscious of....and realize that these are just as important to share with others in crucial moments if I am to have any hope of living the life that I imagine.
In doing so, I hope to repair the optical illusion situation I have managed to create for myself. So, lookout world: as objects in this mirror may be larger than they appear! I may look quiet and sweet and gentle on the outside....but there's a whole lot of passion just a-waitin' to be unleashed! I'm done keeping myself to myself...I want to share my passion with the world....hopefully in ways that will move and inspire others.
Thursday, January 06, 2011
A secret key
"Our strength grows out of our weakness."
~Ralph Waldo Emerson
I ran across this quote somewhere online this morning--I think in an email--and immediately it spoke to me. It's so true! This is the reality I am living right now! I very recently discovered that the very things I considered to be my "weaknesses" were actually simply the shadow side of those things I most covet in myself--my true strengths. I recognized that in order to give the one up, I would have to also hand over the other--and I immediately and adamantly put my foot down and said, "There's no way in hell I am giving that up!!"
This new insight gave me the fresh new perspective I needed to finally bust my way through inner obstacles that I've wrestled with for years trying to overcome.
This past year I have overcome several hurdles of various sorts in my life. I would like to share a very important secret with you now. For, I see that the very key to unlocking each of these gates has been exactly the same for all of them: Acceptance.
Try it! What do you find yourself wrestling or struggling with in your life, currently? Where do you find yourself pouring in endless amounts of energy seemingly to no avail? This is a sure clue that you are likely stuck in an endless self-defeating loop of wrestling against yourself. Stop for a moment and consider what it would be like to just accept this thing against which you are struggling. What word of grace do you need to hear in this moment? Is it something internal or external that needs accepting? Keep in mind, the accepting I am talking about is one that should leave you feeling free and actually more empowered, not one that leads to feelings of resignation or defeat. Genuine acceptance should lead to a greater feeling of wholeness, rather than division.
Acceptance, by the way, is not the final destination. It is the step from which we leap forth into our future. By accepting things are just as they should be, in the here and now, I am now free to leap fearlessly into the life I truly imagine that awaits me just ahead. Who's with me?
~Ralph Waldo Emerson
I ran across this quote somewhere online this morning--I think in an email--and immediately it spoke to me. It's so true! This is the reality I am living right now! I very recently discovered that the very things I considered to be my "weaknesses" were actually simply the shadow side of those things I most covet in myself--my true strengths. I recognized that in order to give the one up, I would have to also hand over the other--and I immediately and adamantly put my foot down and said, "There's no way in hell I am giving that up!!"
This new insight gave me the fresh new perspective I needed to finally bust my way through inner obstacles that I've wrestled with for years trying to overcome.
This past year I have overcome several hurdles of various sorts in my life. I would like to share a very important secret with you now. For, I see that the very key to unlocking each of these gates has been exactly the same for all of them: Acceptance.
Try it! What do you find yourself wrestling or struggling with in your life, currently? Where do you find yourself pouring in endless amounts of energy seemingly to no avail? This is a sure clue that you are likely stuck in an endless self-defeating loop of wrestling against yourself. Stop for a moment and consider what it would be like to just accept this thing against which you are struggling. What word of grace do you need to hear in this moment? Is it something internal or external that needs accepting? Keep in mind, the accepting I am talking about is one that should leave you feeling free and actually more empowered, not one that leads to feelings of resignation or defeat. Genuine acceptance should lead to a greater feeling of wholeness, rather than division.
Acceptance, by the way, is not the final destination. It is the step from which we leap forth into our future. By accepting things are just as they should be, in the here and now, I am now free to leap fearlessly into the life I truly imagine that awaits me just ahead. Who's with me?
Wednesday, January 05, 2011
Being present in the moment
I've been sick this week. It's been quite frustrating. I just rejoined the gym and want to be working out--can't do that. I'm overwhelmed at work, and not able to function at full capacity while being sick. My enthusiasm for the new year, and all the amazing things going on in and around my life is being thwarted by the fact that I feel absolutely crappy.
I am not severely sick, by any means, but because of the timing of it, with all the crazy busy-ness of December and the holidays....and still feeling overwhelmed with a number of responsibilities at work AND at home....I've reached the level of sickness that turns into home-sickness. It's a reminder to me that I'm still somewhat in exile--my life isn't where I want it to be. I'm not living in the place I want to be living, it's not really "home" to me. I'm in bed, sick, and I want to cry like a baby and whine, "I want to go home...."
Where is home? I think it's true what they say: home is where the heart is. I think of what my heart wants, and indeed, that is the very comfort that comes to mind as I lay here in bed longing for "home."
Tomorrow I will put my eternal optimist hat back on and go back to being more-than-content with where I am in my life; but, for today I am going to let myself just be present with the sadness as I long for the home my heart desires. In the end, I think these moments are just as important in spurring ourselves towards authentic joy.
I am not severely sick, by any means, but because of the timing of it, with all the crazy busy-ness of December and the holidays....and still feeling overwhelmed with a number of responsibilities at work AND at home....I've reached the level of sickness that turns into home-sickness. It's a reminder to me that I'm still somewhat in exile--my life isn't where I want it to be. I'm not living in the place I want to be living, it's not really "home" to me. I'm in bed, sick, and I want to cry like a baby and whine, "I want to go home...."
Where is home? I think it's true what they say: home is where the heart is. I think of what my heart wants, and indeed, that is the very comfort that comes to mind as I lay here in bed longing for "home."
Tomorrow I will put my eternal optimist hat back on and go back to being more-than-content with where I am in my life; but, for today I am going to let myself just be present with the sadness as I long for the home my heart desires. In the end, I think these moments are just as important in spurring ourselves towards authentic joy.
Thursday, December 30, 2010
A Dancing Spirit
On Wednesday, May 19, 2010, I posted my status on Facebook:
It's Wednesday already....which brings us that much closer to Saturday. And we all know what Saturdays are for: DANCING!!! =oD
To which my aunt later responded, "You have to be your grandmother all over again!!!!" For those who didn't know her, my Grandma Messler danced into her 80's....up until the last few months of her life. I was instantly quite moved by my aunt's comment and responded, "Wow, I was just thinking of her the other day. I am deeply touched...that's one of the best compliments I have received in my lifetime...it brings tears to my eyes! If I can succeed in being even a fraction of the woman she was, I will know I have lived my life well!"
This interchange sparked some fresh new introspection, and to my surprise, as I took a closer look at my then-current manifestation in the world, I began to see a lot more similarities than just the dancing. I was moved to tears to think I could be passing along the legacy of my Grandma Messler. Nothing could ever make me more proud. I still have a ways to go, but what an inspiration!
I share the following poem that I wrote in the early morning hours shortly following her death. Grandma Messler was an icon. I remember thinking how incredulous it was that she was not, in fact, going to live forever. Incomprehensible. But, in reality, she does live on--because the spirit never dies.
6AM EULOGY
Dear Grandma
Precious woman
You are love embodied
The heart of God reaching out to the world
Touching lives in remarkably simple ways
Your servanthood gives me something to aspire to
That I might someday be at least a fraction
of the woman that you are
Child of God
Blessed spirit
Beautiful creation
A profoundly silent testimony of faith
You proclaim the Gospel to all with whom you come into contact
Thank you for your gifts
Thank you for your limitless love
and your tender gestures of kindness
Thank you for you, Grandma
Thank you for you
-02/17/1999
I love you Grandma--thank you for being the best kind of role model. Thank you for being you. And THANK YOU for the awesome dancing genes!!!!
It's Wednesday already....which brings us that much closer to Saturday. And we all know what Saturdays are for: DANCING!!! =oD
To which my aunt later responded, "You have to be your grandmother all over again!!!!" For those who didn't know her, my Grandma Messler danced into her 80's....up until the last few months of her life. I was instantly quite moved by my aunt's comment and responded, "Wow, I was just thinking of her the other day. I am deeply touched...that's one of the best compliments I have received in my lifetime...it brings tears to my eyes! If I can succeed in being even a fraction of the woman she was, I will know I have lived my life well!"
This interchange sparked some fresh new introspection, and to my surprise, as I took a closer look at my then-current manifestation in the world, I began to see a lot more similarities than just the dancing. I was moved to tears to think I could be passing along the legacy of my Grandma Messler. Nothing could ever make me more proud. I still have a ways to go, but what an inspiration!
I share the following poem that I wrote in the early morning hours shortly following her death. Grandma Messler was an icon. I remember thinking how incredulous it was that she was not, in fact, going to live forever. Incomprehensible. But, in reality, she does live on--because the spirit never dies.
6AM EULOGY
Dear Grandma
Precious woman
You are love embodied
The heart of God reaching out to the world
Touching lives in remarkably simple ways
Your servanthood gives me something to aspire to
That I might someday be at least a fraction
of the woman that you are
Child of God
Blessed spirit
Beautiful creation
A profoundly silent testimony of faith
You proclaim the Gospel to all with whom you come into contact
Thank you for your gifts
Thank you for your limitless love
and your tender gestures of kindness
Thank you for you, Grandma
Thank you for you
-02/17/1999
I love you Grandma--thank you for being the best kind of role model. Thank you for being you. And THANK YOU for the awesome dancing genes!!!!
Monday, December 27, 2010
A Renewed Love Affair
Today I had an encounter that sparked a deep place in me. It's always so clear when something taps into your passion--you come alive inside in a way that's different from general everyday emotions. I totally embraced the spark and exclaimed, "Today I am having a love affair with my life!" I am a happy, happy girl.
Lately I'd been feeling the itch to get back into a real gym. I quit my gym membership this past spring and have been keeping up with my fitness in other ways. In recent months, with the shorter days and less amiable weather, I'd begun to really miss having access to a gym--particularly the cardio equipment.
As a result of a succession of seemingly-random events, I made the decision this morning to visit the new 24 Hour Fitness gym that just opened up a few miles from my house. In case you don't know this secret: new gyms often have great membership deals you can take advantage of during their grand opening period (such as waived initiation fees and lower monthly rates).
I can't even begin to describe the high that I got from walking into the gym...the anticipation of considering this brand new facility could become my brand new workout center. From head to toe she was beautiful! I felt my insides come alive with a passionate thrill as I anticipated being let loose to play in this brand new playground. I couldn't help but notice how much it felt like I was about to have a new love affair! A love affair all about me--loving myself, my life, and continuing to celebrate all the health and fitness achievements I've made over the past couple of years. It felt good to show the trainer my "before" photo and have him respond with exuberance, "You don't need the gym...the gym needs you!!!"
I'd been needing some sort of a new spark for my workouts. I definitely found it! Today I am having a love affair with my life, and it feels amazing!
Lately I'd been feeling the itch to get back into a real gym. I quit my gym membership this past spring and have been keeping up with my fitness in other ways. In recent months, with the shorter days and less amiable weather, I'd begun to really miss having access to a gym--particularly the cardio equipment.
As a result of a succession of seemingly-random events, I made the decision this morning to visit the new 24 Hour Fitness gym that just opened up a few miles from my house. In case you don't know this secret: new gyms often have great membership deals you can take advantage of during their grand opening period (such as waived initiation fees and lower monthly rates).
I can't even begin to describe the high that I got from walking into the gym...the anticipation of considering this brand new facility could become my brand new workout center. From head to toe she was beautiful! I felt my insides come alive with a passionate thrill as I anticipated being let loose to play in this brand new playground. I couldn't help but notice how much it felt like I was about to have a new love affair! A love affair all about me--loving myself, my life, and continuing to celebrate all the health and fitness achievements I've made over the past couple of years. It felt good to show the trainer my "before" photo and have him respond with exuberance, "You don't need the gym...the gym needs you!!!"
I'd been needing some sort of a new spark for my workouts. I definitely found it! Today I am having a love affair with my life, and it feels amazing!
Friday, December 24, 2010
Preparing the Heart for Christmas Miracles
The following is an Advent meditation that I began writing several weeks ago, in a laundromat of all places. On this dawn of Christmas Eve, I return to finish the meditation as Advent draws to a close.
From December 7:
“And Mary pondered all these things in her heart…”
These are the words that set me on my voyage into Advent. They were listed as the theme for an upcoming Advent Quiet Day that is being held at the Episcopal Church at which I work.
Pondering…
In her heart…
These words described me as well. And as I was reminded of this passage from Luke, the words lifted me up out of my independent human experience and placed me in a contemplative space within a much grander story. Advent. A time of watching, waiting with expectancy, hope and wonder. Advent. It marks the beginning of the Christian church year…the four weeks leading up to Christmas and the birth of Emmanuel: God-with-us.
I like the following description of the season of Advent: “HOPE is the character of Advent…steadfast hope that Jesus is our light midst the darkness of this world. Blue is the color of Advent…the deep blue sky just as the day is dawning. The biblical texts for the Sundays in Advent are full of rich images of the kingdom that God has in mind for us.”
Advent means coming. In an historical, traditional sense, Advent celebrates the coming of Jesus, the Christ child soon to be born in a manger. In a contemporary, metaphorical context, Advent is a time for preparing our hearts for hope and love and peace to be born again in our lives.
“And let our hearts,
prepare him room.”
These are some of the things I am pondering in my heart.
Advent is marked by dark, winter days in which a small beacon of light shines, illuminating our way. The light of dawn will soon begin to illuminate the deep blue night sky.
“A light shines in the darkness, but the darkness has not overcome it.”
Have you ever really paid attention to the contrast of light and darkness and recognized that in a battle of dark and light, darkness literally can never win. Light can flood the darkness and make it disappear; but with even the faintest of lights…the darker the darkness becomes, the lighter that light will glow. What a brilliant way to conquer darkness!
I am a ponderer. A processor. A heart-thinker. During this Advent time I am trying to direct my pondering in a more focused way. I am looking into my heart, trying to clear out the space, to “prepare the way of the Lord.” To make room in my heart for the future that God has planned for me. To make a home in my heart in which Christ can be born anew. To make room in my heart for love—a transformative kind of love that transcends ordinary human experience.
“For I know the plans I have for you, to give you a future with a hope.”
December 24:
It's amazing what God can do when we simply open ourselves up to following God's plans. So often we try to control things and end up getting in the way; but, when we stand back out of the way and let God go to town, then the MAGIC can really happen--God begins to unfurl the most marvelous of plans for our lives. It ends up being what we've really wanted all along, but we are no longer the ones who are standing in the way, keeping it from happening. When we invite God's plans into our lives, we do indeed receive that "future with a hope."
This week I have been incredibly moved as I bear witness to the work God has been doing in my own life. I've been receiving gifts that I've been waiting for, in some ways, my whole entire life. There are a number of events that transpired to help bring this to fruition in a concrete way, but my realization of it began with my intention of preparing my heart this Advent season--preparing my heart for hope, love and peace to be born again in my life in a fresh new way.
I attended church the second week of Advent and the theme was centered around repenting, based on the story of John the Baptist calling for us to "Repent, for the kingdom of heaven has come near. Prepare the way of the Lord." (Matthew 3:1-12) I recognize that it was my "repenting" that propelled me forward towards receiving these amazing new gifts in my life. To repent means to turn around. Sin is that which keeps us from being whole and being in affirmative, positive, loving relationship with God and others. Therefore, repenting involves those actions in which we "turn around" and return toward the restoration of wholeness in our lives and in our relationships.
For me, this "repenting" took on the action of a new kind of self-acceptance. I had been fighting against a very particular part of myself, until I finally recently began to recognize that this part of me is intimately connected to some of the very things I most value in myself. In my repenting, I turned from trying to escape a part of myself to embracing that very part of me in a brand new way. As a result, I have suddenly smashed through some of what had previously been the biggest obstacles in my life. Obstacles I had wrestled with for years, but found it next-to-impossible to get them to budge on my own. I can't even begin to describe how transformative this new sense of restored wholeness is for me--indeed, it directly enhances the quality of my relationships with God and with all people as I am now free to be my true self in a more complete and authentic way. Again, it's funny what amazing work God can do in our lives when we get out of the way--and, it's often what we've wanted all along, but just were going about trying to achieve it through ineffective ways. Usually I find the phrase "Let go and let God" a little sappy, but in this case I have to admit that it really fits.
Blessings to you this Christmas. May you experience the re-birth of Emmanuel, God-with-us, in a fresh new way this season. May the miracles of Christmas be unveiled in your heart in startling and concrete ways. And may you taste the kind of joy, peace, hope and love that transcend ordinary human experience.
Amen.
From December 7:
“And Mary pondered all these things in her heart…”
These are the words that set me on my voyage into Advent. They were listed as the theme for an upcoming Advent Quiet Day that is being held at the Episcopal Church at which I work.
Pondering…
In her heart…
These words described me as well. And as I was reminded of this passage from Luke, the words lifted me up out of my independent human experience and placed me in a contemplative space within a much grander story. Advent. A time of watching, waiting with expectancy, hope and wonder. Advent. It marks the beginning of the Christian church year…the four weeks leading up to Christmas and the birth of Emmanuel: God-with-us.
I like the following description of the season of Advent: “HOPE is the character of Advent…steadfast hope that Jesus is our light midst the darkness of this world. Blue is the color of Advent…the deep blue sky just as the day is dawning. The biblical texts for the Sundays in Advent are full of rich images of the kingdom that God has in mind for us.”
Advent means coming. In an historical, traditional sense, Advent celebrates the coming of Jesus, the Christ child soon to be born in a manger. In a contemporary, metaphorical context, Advent is a time for preparing our hearts for hope and love and peace to be born again in our lives.
“And let our hearts,
prepare him room.”
These are some of the things I am pondering in my heart.
Advent is marked by dark, winter days in which a small beacon of light shines, illuminating our way. The light of dawn will soon begin to illuminate the deep blue night sky.
“A light shines in the darkness, but the darkness has not overcome it.”
Have you ever really paid attention to the contrast of light and darkness and recognized that in a battle of dark and light, darkness literally can never win. Light can flood the darkness and make it disappear; but with even the faintest of lights…the darker the darkness becomes, the lighter that light will glow. What a brilliant way to conquer darkness!
I am a ponderer. A processor. A heart-thinker. During this Advent time I am trying to direct my pondering in a more focused way. I am looking into my heart, trying to clear out the space, to “prepare the way of the Lord.” To make room in my heart for the future that God has planned for me. To make a home in my heart in which Christ can be born anew. To make room in my heart for love—a transformative kind of love that transcends ordinary human experience.
“For I know the plans I have for you, to give you a future with a hope.”
December 24:
It's amazing what God can do when we simply open ourselves up to following God's plans. So often we try to control things and end up getting in the way; but, when we stand back out of the way and let God go to town, then the MAGIC can really happen--God begins to unfurl the most marvelous of plans for our lives. It ends up being what we've really wanted all along, but we are no longer the ones who are standing in the way, keeping it from happening. When we invite God's plans into our lives, we do indeed receive that "future with a hope."
This week I have been incredibly moved as I bear witness to the work God has been doing in my own life. I've been receiving gifts that I've been waiting for, in some ways, my whole entire life. There are a number of events that transpired to help bring this to fruition in a concrete way, but my realization of it began with my intention of preparing my heart this Advent season--preparing my heart for hope, love and peace to be born again in my life in a fresh new way.
I attended church the second week of Advent and the theme was centered around repenting, based on the story of John the Baptist calling for us to "Repent, for the kingdom of heaven has come near. Prepare the way of the Lord." (Matthew 3:1-12) I recognize that it was my "repenting" that propelled me forward towards receiving these amazing new gifts in my life. To repent means to turn around. Sin is that which keeps us from being whole and being in affirmative, positive, loving relationship with God and others. Therefore, repenting involves those actions in which we "turn around" and return toward the restoration of wholeness in our lives and in our relationships.
For me, this "repenting" took on the action of a new kind of self-acceptance. I had been fighting against a very particular part of myself, until I finally recently began to recognize that this part of me is intimately connected to some of the very things I most value in myself. In my repenting, I turned from trying to escape a part of myself to embracing that very part of me in a brand new way. As a result, I have suddenly smashed through some of what had previously been the biggest obstacles in my life. Obstacles I had wrestled with for years, but found it next-to-impossible to get them to budge on my own. I can't even begin to describe how transformative this new sense of restored wholeness is for me--indeed, it directly enhances the quality of my relationships with God and with all people as I am now free to be my true self in a more complete and authentic way. Again, it's funny what amazing work God can do in our lives when we get out of the way--and, it's often what we've wanted all along, but just were going about trying to achieve it through ineffective ways. Usually I find the phrase "Let go and let God" a little sappy, but in this case I have to admit that it really fits.
Blessings to you this Christmas. May you experience the re-birth of Emmanuel, God-with-us, in a fresh new way this season. May the miracles of Christmas be unveiled in your heart in startling and concrete ways. And may you taste the kind of joy, peace, hope and love that transcend ordinary human experience.
Amen.
Monday, December 13, 2010
Love Yourself. Love Your Life.
I think I'm molting.
Sometimes when I exercise and really push myself to my limits during my workout, I arrive at a state afterward in which I am completely spent...thoroughly exhausted from the inside out. The endorphins have worked their magic and a deep, serious calm flows uninhibited through my entire bloodstream--my insides having been completely hollowed out by all the stress toxins being expelled from my body. In this state I could sleep like a baby.
Sometimes there are moments during my workouts--if I have been working out with a serious intensity, really pushing myself to my limits--in which I also reach an emotional break as I find myself suddenly choking on tears that have suddenly shot to the surface. As I reflect on these cathartic moments, I can't help but wonder how much of our emotional "baggage" is in fact simply being carried around in our bodies in metabolic form. Perhaps in my workouts I'm not only expelling stress hormones but grief hormones, broken-hearted hormones, disappointment hormones, loss hormones, anger hormones, depressed hormonones... It's no wonder some of these emotional ailments can dramatically affect our physical health if they are just floating around inside of us, trying to find a fertile space in which they can anchor themselves and start multiplying like cancer cells.
This past weekend I worked out hard. I danced like a fiend until 2:00am...and then turned around and played nearly 40 minutes of full court basketball the next day. I was completely spent, but it felt good to use up everything I had--as if I was the kind of rechargeable battery where it's best to completely drain the battery before recharging. It felt good to completely empty myself. This was something I was definitely needing.
On Sunday afternoon I was not of much use to anyone--but ultimately, this was good for me. I was thoroughly exhausted, and this caused me to slow down and finally get some much needed down time. In addition to feeling the complete expulsion of stress from my body, I became conscious of something else being lifted out of me. The signs of this came as uncontrollable tears spilling from my heart. But there was no accompanying sadness to the tears, just an awareness of something too simply profound to be able to define. It was something gently becoming detached from deep inside me and floating up, up, up....out into the atmosphere surrounding me. That's when I noticed: I think I'm molting! My outer skin is gently falling away as that bright, fresh, new skin that has been ever-so-steadily growing and forming just below the surface is now getting ready to be revealed. Some sort of transformation is taking place. A quiet, simple transformation; still, it's the unfolding of another scientific miracle. I am both excited and curious to see what this new skin will look like. In many ways I'm sure I will still look the same, but so much of life is hidden in the details. What unique new embellishments will stand out in this new layer of skin that weren't as noticeable or perhaps even present before? I can't wait to find out.
Love yourself. Love your life. And then pay attention: amazing things will happen.
Sometimes when I exercise and really push myself to my limits during my workout, I arrive at a state afterward in which I am completely spent...thoroughly exhausted from the inside out. The endorphins have worked their magic and a deep, serious calm flows uninhibited through my entire bloodstream--my insides having been completely hollowed out by all the stress toxins being expelled from my body. In this state I could sleep like a baby.
Sometimes there are moments during my workouts--if I have been working out with a serious intensity, really pushing myself to my limits--in which I also reach an emotional break as I find myself suddenly choking on tears that have suddenly shot to the surface. As I reflect on these cathartic moments, I can't help but wonder how much of our emotional "baggage" is in fact simply being carried around in our bodies in metabolic form. Perhaps in my workouts I'm not only expelling stress hormones but grief hormones, broken-hearted hormones, disappointment hormones, loss hormones, anger hormones, depressed hormonones... It's no wonder some of these emotional ailments can dramatically affect our physical health if they are just floating around inside of us, trying to find a fertile space in which they can anchor themselves and start multiplying like cancer cells.
This past weekend I worked out hard. I danced like a fiend until 2:00am...and then turned around and played nearly 40 minutes of full court basketball the next day. I was completely spent, but it felt good to use up everything I had--as if I was the kind of rechargeable battery where it's best to completely drain the battery before recharging. It felt good to completely empty myself. This was something I was definitely needing.
On Sunday afternoon I was not of much use to anyone--but ultimately, this was good for me. I was thoroughly exhausted, and this caused me to slow down and finally get some much needed down time. In addition to feeling the complete expulsion of stress from my body, I became conscious of something else being lifted out of me. The signs of this came as uncontrollable tears spilling from my heart. But there was no accompanying sadness to the tears, just an awareness of something too simply profound to be able to define. It was something gently becoming detached from deep inside me and floating up, up, up....out into the atmosphere surrounding me. That's when I noticed: I think I'm molting! My outer skin is gently falling away as that bright, fresh, new skin that has been ever-so-steadily growing and forming just below the surface is now getting ready to be revealed. Some sort of transformation is taking place. A quiet, simple transformation; still, it's the unfolding of another scientific miracle. I am both excited and curious to see what this new skin will look like. In many ways I'm sure I will still look the same, but so much of life is hidden in the details. What unique new embellishments will stand out in this new layer of skin that weren't as noticeable or perhaps even present before? I can't wait to find out.
Love yourself. Love your life. And then pay attention: amazing things will happen.
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Pulling My Heartstrings
A friend posted the following quote on her facebook page the other day, and I immediately felt its truth speak to me:
"Let yourself be silently drawn by the strange pull of what you really love. It will not lead you astray." ~Rumi
Follow your heart and you'll always know in what direction you're supposed to go. Even those times when the world seems to be yelling, "Wrong Way!"
But, I think there's a catch. I think first we must come to a true understanding of what love really is; for, there are many compelling imitations out there masquerading as love. These imitations, I believe, do threaten to lead us astray.
"Let yourself be silently drawn by the strange pull of what you really love. It will not lead you astray." ~Rumi
Follow your heart and you'll always know in what direction you're supposed to go. Even those times when the world seems to be yelling, "Wrong Way!"
But, I think there's a catch. I think first we must come to a true understanding of what love really is; for, there are many compelling imitations out there masquerading as love. These imitations, I believe, do threaten to lead us astray.
A Thankful Heart
In some moments I am so deeply moved by the very incredible-ness of life that it leaves me feeling a little verklempt. Today is one of those days. I am feeling immense gratitude for the fact that my life is filled with love, friendship, joy, passion, and play. Sure, life is never "perfect," but some days I do truly wonder, how is it that I ever came to be so blessed? I think it must come down to grace and a thankful heart.
Tuesday, December 07, 2010
in memoriam - sing. climb. dance.
Earlier this week I ran across the following words from a poem by Kahlil Gibran and was deeply moved. I wept. In 2010 I have known several people close to me who have been wrestling with the grief of losing a parent; my own soul has been touched by their grief in an almost raw way. I share the words now in special memory of all the mothers and fathers of my friends who have died.
For what is to die
but to stand naked in the wind
and to melt into the sun?
And what is it to cease breathing,
but to free the breath from its restless tides,
that it may rise and expand and seek God unencumbered?
Only when you drink from the river of silence
shall you indeed sing.
And when you have reached the mountain top,
then you shall begin to climb.
And when the earth shall claim your limbs
then shall you truly dance.
~Kahlil Gibran
Let us be reminded to live more fully in the now, with our hearts so wide open that we no longer fear being touched by grief. May we honor our loved ones who have died by allowing our memories of them to both spur and inspire us to sing, to climb, and to dance, that we, ourselves, might be ready to embrace standing naked in the wind and melting into the sun when our own time has come.
For what is to die
but to stand naked in the wind
and to melt into the sun?
And what is it to cease breathing,
but to free the breath from its restless tides,
that it may rise and expand and seek God unencumbered?
Only when you drink from the river of silence
shall you indeed sing.
And when you have reached the mountain top,
then you shall begin to climb.
And when the earth shall claim your limbs
then shall you truly dance.
~Kahlil Gibran
Let us be reminded to live more fully in the now, with our hearts so wide open that we no longer fear being touched by grief. May we honor our loved ones who have died by allowing our memories of them to both spur and inspire us to sing, to climb, and to dance, that we, ourselves, might be ready to embrace standing naked in the wind and melting into the sun when our own time has come.
Monday, December 06, 2010
My Life is a Musical
My latest posts have included themes relating to music and dancing. I ran across this quote today and something in me resonates positively with the idea of living a musical life:
"Music gives a soul to the universe, wings to the mind, flight to the imagination, and life to everything."
~Plato
What kind of music makes you soar? If not literal music, what is it that brings your soul to life?
Hmmm...phrasing it that way brings up another quote that I recently ran across and immediately fell in love with:
"Don't ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive."
~Howard Thurman
I have to say, life is pretty awesome when you're living it fully alive!
"Music gives a soul to the universe, wings to the mind, flight to the imagination, and life to everything."
~Plato
What kind of music makes you soar? If not literal music, what is it that brings your soul to life?
Hmmm...phrasing it that way brings up another quote that I recently ran across and immediately fell in love with:
"Don't ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive."
~Howard Thurman
I have to say, life is pretty awesome when you're living it fully alive!
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