A Dancing Spirit

On Wednesday, May 19, 2010, I posted my status on Facebook:

It's Wednesday already....which brings us that much closer to Saturday. And we all know what Saturdays are for: DANCING!!! =oD

To which my aunt later responded, "You have to be your grandmother all over again!!!!" For those who didn't know her, my Grandma Messler danced into her 80's....up until the last few months of her life. I was instantly quite moved by my aunt's comment and responded, "Wow, I was just thinking of her the other day. I am deeply touched...that's one of the best compliments I have received in my lifetime...it brings tears to my eyes! If I can succeed in being even a fraction of the woman she was, I will know I have lived my life well!"

This interchange sparked some fresh new introspection, and to my surprise, as I took a closer look at my then-current manifestation in the world, I began to see a lot more similarities than just the dancing. I was moved to tears to think I could be passing along the legacy of my Grandma Messler. Nothing could ever make me more proud. I still have a ways to go, but what an inspiration!

I share the following poem that I wrote in the early morning hours shortly following her death. Grandma Messler was an icon. I remember thinking how incredulous it was that she was not, in fact, going to live forever. Incomprehensible. But, in reality, she does live on--because the spirit never dies.

6AM EULOGY

Dear Grandma
Precious woman
You are love embodied
The heart of God reaching out to the world
Touching lives in remarkably simple ways
Your servanthood gives me something to aspire to
That I might someday be at least a fraction
of the woman that you are
Child of God
Blessed spirit
Beautiful creation
A profoundly silent testimony of faith
You proclaim the Gospel to all with whom you come into contact
Thank you for your gifts
Thank you for your limitless love
and your tender gestures of kindness
Thank you for you, Grandma
Thank you for you

-02/17/1999

I love you Grandma--thank you for being the best kind of role model. Thank you for being you. And THANK YOU for the awesome dancing genes!!!!

A Renewed Love Affair

Today I had an encounter that sparked a deep place in me. It's always so clear when something taps into your passion--you come alive inside in a way that's different from general everyday emotions. I totally embraced the spark and exclaimed, "Today I am having a love affair with my life!" I am a happy, happy girl.

Lately I'd been feeling the itch to get back into a real gym. I quit my gym membership this past spring and have been keeping up with my fitness in other ways. In recent months, with the shorter days and less amiable weather, I'd begun to really miss having access to a gym--particularly the cardio equipment.

As a result of a succession of seemingly-random events, I made the decision this morning to visit the new 24 Hour Fitness gym that just opened up a few miles from my house. In case you don't know this secret: new gyms often have great membership deals you can take advantage of during their grand opening period (such as waived initiation fees and lower monthly rates).

I can't even begin to describe the high that I got from walking into the gym...the anticipation of considering this brand new facility could become my brand new workout center. From head to toe she was beautiful! I felt my insides come alive with a passionate thrill as I anticipated being let loose to play in this brand new playground. I couldn't help but notice how much it felt like I was about to have a new love affair! A love affair all about me--loving myself, my life, and continuing to celebrate all the health and fitness achievements I've made over the past couple of years. It felt good to show the trainer my "before" photo and have him respond with exuberance, "You don't need the gym...the gym needs you!!!"

I'd been needing some sort of a new spark for my workouts. I definitely found it! Today I am having a love affair with my life, and it feels amazing!

Preparing the Heart for Christmas Miracles

The following is an Advent meditation that I began writing several weeks ago, in a laundromat of all places. On this dawn of Christmas Eve, I return to finish the meditation as Advent draws to a close.

From December 7:

“And Mary pondered all these things in her heart…”

These are the words that set me on my voyage into Advent. They were listed as the theme for an upcoming Advent Quiet Day that is being held at the Episcopal Church at which I work.

Pondering…
In her heart…

These words described me as well. And as I was reminded of this passage from Luke, the words lifted me up out of my independent human experience and placed me in a contemplative space within a much grander story. Advent. A time of watching, waiting with expectancy, hope and wonder. Advent. It marks the beginning of the Christian church year…the four weeks leading up to Christmas and the birth of Emmanuel: God-with-us.

I like the following description of the season of Advent: “HOPE is the character of Advent…steadfast hope that Jesus is our light midst the darkness of this world. Blue is the color of Advent…the deep blue sky just as the day is dawning. The biblical texts for the Sundays in Advent are full of rich images of the kingdom that God has in mind for us.”

Advent means coming. In an historical, traditional sense, Advent celebrates the coming of Jesus, the Christ child soon to be born in a manger. In a contemporary, metaphorical context, Advent is a time for preparing our hearts for hope and love and peace to be born again in our lives.

“And let our hearts,
prepare him room.”

These are some of the things I am pondering in my heart.

Advent is marked by dark, winter days in which a small beacon of light shines, illuminating our way. The light of dawn will soon begin to illuminate the deep blue night sky.

“A light shines in the darkness, but the darkness has not overcome it.”

Have you ever really paid attention to the contrast of light and darkness and recognized that in a battle of dark and light, darkness literally can never win. Light can flood the darkness and make it disappear; but with even the faintest of lights…the darker the darkness becomes, the lighter that light will glow. What a brilliant way to conquer darkness!

I am a ponderer. A processor. A heart-thinker. During this Advent time I am trying to direct my pondering in a more focused way. I am looking into my heart, trying to clear out the space, to “prepare the way of the Lord.” To make room in my heart for the future that God has planned for me. To make a home in my heart in which Christ can be born anew. To make room in my heart for love—a transformative kind of love that transcends ordinary human experience.

“For I know the plans I have for you, to give you a future with a hope.”

December 24:

It's amazing what God can do when we simply open ourselves up to following God's plans. So often we try to control things and end up getting in the way; but, when we stand back out of the way and let God go to town, then the MAGIC can really happen--God begins to unfurl the most marvelous of plans for our lives. It ends up being what we've really wanted all along, but we are no longer the ones who are standing in the way, keeping it from happening. When we invite God's plans into our lives, we do indeed receive that "future with a hope."

This week I have been incredibly moved as I bear witness to the work God has been doing in my own life. I've been receiving gifts that I've been waiting for, in some ways, my whole entire life. There are a number of events that transpired to help bring this to fruition in a concrete way, but my realization of it began with my intention of preparing my heart this Advent season--preparing my heart for hope, love and peace to be born again in my life in a fresh new way.

I attended church the second week of Advent and the theme was centered around repenting, based on the story of John the Baptist calling for us to "Repent, for the kingdom of heaven has come near. Prepare the way of the Lord." (Matthew 3:1-12) I recognize that it was my "repenting" that propelled me forward towards receiving these amazing new gifts in my life. To repent means to turn around. Sin is that which keeps us from being whole and being in affirmative, positive, loving relationship with God and others. Therefore, repenting involves those actions in which we "turn around" and return toward the restoration of wholeness in our lives and in our relationships.

For me, this "repenting" took on the action of a new kind of self-acceptance. I had been fighting against a very particular part of myself, until I finally recently began to recognize that this part of me is intimately connected to some of the very things I most value in myself. In my repenting, I turned from trying to escape a part of myself to embracing that very part of me in a brand new way. As a result, I have suddenly smashed through some of what had previously been the biggest obstacles in my life. Obstacles I had wrestled with for years, but found it next-to-impossible to get them to budge on my own. I can't even begin to describe how transformative this new sense of restored wholeness is for me--indeed, it directly enhances the quality of my relationships with God and with all people as I am now free to be my true self in a more complete and authentic way. Again, it's funny what amazing work God can do in our lives when we get out of the way--and, it's often what we've wanted all along, but just were going about trying to achieve it through ineffective ways. Usually I find the phrase "Let go and let God" a little sappy, but in this case I have to admit that it really fits.

Blessings to you this Christmas. May you experience the re-birth of Emmanuel, God-with-us, in a fresh new way this season. May the miracles of Christmas be unveiled in your heart in startling and concrete ways. And may you taste the kind of joy, peace, hope and love that transcend ordinary human experience.

Amen.

Love Yourself. Love Your Life.

I think I'm molting.

Sometimes when I exercise and really push myself to my limits during my workout, I arrive at a state afterward in which I am completely spent...thoroughly exhausted from the inside out. The endorphins have worked their magic and a deep, serious calm flows uninhibited through my entire bloodstream--my insides having been completely hollowed out by all the stress toxins being expelled from my body. In this state I could sleep like a baby.

Sometimes there are moments during my workouts--if I have been working out with a serious intensity, really pushing myself to my limits--in which I also reach an emotional break as I find myself suddenly choking on tears that have suddenly shot to the surface. As I reflect on these cathartic moments, I can't help but wonder how much of our emotional "baggage" is in fact simply being carried around in our bodies in metabolic form. Perhaps in my workouts I'm not only expelling stress hormones but grief hormones, broken-hearted hormones, disappointment hormones, loss hormones, anger hormones, depressed hormonones... It's no wonder some of these emotional ailments can dramatically affect our physical health if they are just floating around inside of us, trying to find a fertile space in which they can anchor themselves and start multiplying like cancer cells.

This past weekend I worked out hard. I danced like a fiend until 2:00am...and then turned around and played nearly 40 minutes of full court basketball the next day. I was completely spent, but it felt good to use up everything I had--as if I was the kind of rechargeable battery where it's best to completely drain the battery before recharging. It felt good to completely empty myself. This was something I was definitely needing.

On Sunday afternoon I was not of much use to anyone--but ultimately, this was good for me. I was thoroughly exhausted, and this caused me to slow down and finally get some much needed down time. In addition to feeling the complete expulsion of stress from my body, I became conscious of something else being lifted out of me. The signs of this came as uncontrollable tears spilling from my heart. But there was no accompanying sadness to the tears, just an awareness of something too simply profound to be able to define. It was something gently becoming detached from deep inside me and floating up, up, up....out into the atmosphere surrounding me. That's when I noticed: I think I'm molting! My outer skin is gently falling away as that bright, fresh, new skin that has been ever-so-steadily growing and forming just below the surface is now getting ready to be revealed. Some sort of transformation is taking place. A quiet, simple transformation; still, it's the unfolding of another scientific miracle. I am both excited and curious to see what this new skin will look like. In many ways I'm sure I will still look the same, but so much of life is hidden in the details. What unique new embellishments will stand out in this new layer of skin that weren't as noticeable or perhaps even present before? I can't wait to find out.

Love yourself. Love your life. And then pay attention: amazing things will happen.

Pulling My Heartstrings

A friend posted the following quote on her facebook page the other day, and I immediately felt its truth speak to me:

"Let yourself be silently drawn by the strange pull of what you really love. It will not lead you astray." ~Rumi

Follow your heart and you'll always know in what direction you're supposed to go. Even those times when the world seems to be yelling, "Wrong Way!"

But, I think there's a catch. I think first we must come to a true understanding of what love really is; for, there are many compelling imitations out there masquerading as love. These imitations, I believe, do threaten to lead us astray.

A Thankful Heart

In some moments I am so deeply moved by the very incredible-ness of life that it leaves me feeling a little verklempt. Today is one of those days. I am feeling immense gratitude for the fact that my life is filled with love, friendship, joy, passion, and play. Sure, life is never "perfect," but some days I do truly wonder, how is it that I ever came to be so blessed? I think it must come down to grace and a thankful heart.

in memoriam - sing. climb. dance.

Earlier this week I ran across the following words from a poem by Kahlil Gibran and was deeply moved. I wept. In 2010 I have known several people close to me who have been wrestling with the grief of losing a parent; my own soul has been touched by their grief in an almost raw way. I share the words now in special memory of all the mothers and fathers of my friends who have died.

For what is to die
but to stand naked in the wind
and to melt into the sun?
And what is it to cease breathing,
but to free the breath from its restless tides,
that it may rise and expand and seek God unencumbered?

Only when you drink from the river of silence
shall you indeed sing.
And when you have reached the mountain top,
then you shall begin to climb.
And when the earth shall claim your limbs
then shall you truly dance.

~Kahlil Gibran

Let us be reminded to live more fully in the now, with our hearts so wide open that we no longer fear being touched by grief. May we honor our loved ones who have died by allowing our memories of them to both spur and inspire us to sing, to climb, and to dance, that we, ourselves, might be ready to embrace standing naked in the wind and melting into the sun when our own time has come.

My Life is a Musical

My latest posts have included themes relating to music and dancing. I ran across this quote today and something in me resonates positively with the idea of living a musical life:

"Music gives a soul to the universe, wings to the mind, flight to the imagination, and life to everything."
~Plato

What kind of music makes you soar? If not literal music, what is it that brings your soul to life?

Hmmm...phrasing it that way brings up another quote that I recently ran across and immediately fell in love with:

"Don't ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive."
~Howard Thurman

I have to say, life is pretty awesome when you're living it fully alive!

Don't look. Okay, now you can look. Wanna dance?

"Dance like nobody's watching;
love like you've never been hurt.
Sing like nobody's listening;
live like it's heaven on earth."
~Mark Twain

The first line of this quote has particularly been on my mind lately. Anyone who knows me knows I love to dance. In my pursuit to get fit, dancing at home by myself has been an integral component of the journey. I just turn up the tunes and can't stop moving to the music--one of my favorite ways of burning calories! I love that I can creatively express myself in this way. It's both freeing and brings me joy.

My aunt pointed out recently that my dancing genes must have been passed on to me from my grandmother. This was quite an honor to me in a way that is too profound to mention here--I will have to elaborate in another future post and include the poem I wrote following my grandma's death.

This morning as I was driving to my basketball game, I thought about my latest attempts to dance as if no one is watching, and I arrived at some new insights on the irony surrounding my experiences. First, a little background story:

A couple weeks ago I was out dancing with friends. After one dance event ended, the crowd began to thin out, but a friend and I stayed and kept on dancing. Normally the venue starts to fill up again as the night wears on--but on this night the dance floor remained unusually sparse. It seemed a shame to not take full advantage of the free and clear dance space! I remember consciously thinking to myself, "I'm just going to dance like I'm at home in my room." In other words, strip away any veil of self-consciousness and just let myself dance freely from my soul, pretending like no one was around to watch me. It felt good.

Then, last night, I was out dancing again. I remembered earlier on in the evening, this time, to consciously remove that self-conscious layer that sometimes creates a thin film between me and the rest of the world. I always dance with my heart, but this one little conscious shift frees my soul in a different way.

This morning, as I was driving to my game and reflecting on my evening, I realized a funny thing: when you dance as though no one is watching, it tends to make people look! The night before, as I danced while pretending like no one was watching, I couldn't help but notice as I looked around the room, that various people were, indeed, watching me, and the light on their faces conveyed that they were somehow moved by the freedom of my expression. I found this to be a positive thing. It was an affirmation, for me, that I am moving closer to the kind of life I want for myself--one in which my own self-consciousness does not hinder me, but instead I am free to be more fully and totally present and engaged in the world and with the people in it.

The amazing irony in all of this is that sometimes the things we truly want for ourselves are the things that scare us the most; or, conversely, the things that scare us the most are the things that we truly want for ourselves. The one who challenges herself to "dance as though no one is watching" soon learns to embrace and welcome the fact that people are watching her while she dances. And in this she discovers a new kind of joy as she finds herself relating to the world in yet another fresh new way.

Word and Spirit

I am a logophile. A lover of words. A poet. A storyteller.

I love words that live and breathe--that take on a life of their own once they are set free.

I enjoy resting in the words of others when they resonate a certain part of my soul. Powerful or poignant quotes. Poetic insights. This year, in particular, I have often found myself living in song lyrics. Adding music to words can bring them to life in an all the more profound way. This makes part of me wish I knew how to write music.

For many months, the opening lines of a poem had been echoing repeatedly my head: "Heed not the words that speaketh a teen..." Over and over again they would invade my consciousness. I didn't really recognize a particular significance to them, just mostly found it annoying ("Oh, here come the words again!").

But the words themselves are not random--they are actually from a sonnet I wrote as an assignment for a high school English class. The irony, of course, is that I WAS a teen at the time. I can still recite the words as if I wrote them yesterday:

Heed not the words that speaketh a teen
For 'tis only noise that they speak with
If you dig deep for what they might mean
You'll soon find yourself encompassed in myth
They wallow in shallowness and conceit
While drowning others in their pride
But once they are forced to take the heat
They drop down their guard to run and hide
So what do you do in such a false world
Where depth does not seem to exist
Where people are groping for jewels and pearls
As dreams and goals slip away in the mist
Well first you must pause
And then deeply reflect
Because you are the cause
And the world around you, the effect

As far back as I can remember, I have always found something deeper to life than what it seemed most other people were conscious of. I had special antennae that allowed me to seek out and locate those individuals who also recognized and appreciated these deeper layers of life--many of these folks became my mentors. At the time I felt they did a better job of "getting me"...but in retrospect I see that it's easier to feel like someone understands you when you both share similar worldviews. In any case, each of these mentor relationships contained some sort of spiritual connection (some more overtly than others, but I think it was always there).

I think experiencing the deepest layers of life necessarily includes opening up our deepest selves to sharing with another. Human experience is relational. There are some elements to human experience that I will never have the opportunity to know if I don't experience them with another human being.

When I start to feel disconnected from myself, I immediately note that my spiritual life needs cultivating. My spirit rests at the deepest part of my soul--and when I don't keep the lines open, I start shutting myself off from being able to experience those deepest layers of life itself. I see, now, why my deepest relationships all have a spiritual element--it's not simply about sharing similar worldviews...it's about a genuine spirit-to-spirit exchange.

Top Shelf, in the Back and to the Left

As human beings we are quite an amazingly diverse bunch. The inventory of qualities that make up who I am is completely unique from anyone else I've ever met in the world. I'm sure the same is true for everyone else. Sure, we can find people who are quite similar to us, but no two people are going to be exactly the same. In some contexts that uniqueness leads people to begin comparing--rather, measuring--themselves to and against one another. In particular I was reflecting on some of the qualities that I find attractive in other people. Sometimes it's easy to compare ourselves to others and covet something we see in them that we think we want for ourselves. The danger in this is that our rich, complex, multi-dimensional personalities then get reduced to superficial, seemingly clear-cut traits. I sometimes fall into the temptation of thinking my life would somehow be more complete "if only I had..." some particular given trait.

As an example, I sometimes find that people who are more outgoing than me in certain social situations seem to exhibit a special kind of confidence that appears almost magical to me. I think, "Wow, I would be amazing if I could do that!" But, in those moments I have completely reduced complex human qualities into neat, but completely oversimplified little boxes. I have become myopic and completely taken for granted the bigger picture. The grass always looks greener on the other side--especially when we're only looking and paying attention to the greenest of the grass, ignoring the weeds and the bare patches in our peripheral vision. It's when I really start to take in the bigger picture that I realize things aren't actually as rosy as they seem. If I am going to compare myself to someone else, I can't just compare one trait...it has to be across the board or I'm no longer comparing apples to apples. I have to be willing to take the good with the bad. It's when I press myself to look at the bigger picture that I recognize I am no longer looking at some magical trait, but a bright spot in that person. We all have our own bright spots--the parts of us that glow when the light hits us at just the right angle. In order to have bright spots, however, it necessarily means that there will be dull or dark spots as well. I don't mean to imply that the less-than-bright spots are inherently negative in any way; only that they likely appear less magical.

So, earlier this week I found myself thinking more deeply about the concept of confidence. I began to distinguish that there are at least two kinds of confidence: a head confidence and confidence that comes from the heart or from the soul (I'm not sure which--but it's somewhere at the core). With the head confidence a person's ego is safely insulated enough that they are free to move about the world without getting tripped up by it as easily--or perhaps simply as visibly. But, as I reflected more thoughtfully on my own unique flavor of self-confidence I acknowledged that it is just as equally unshakable...it is just rooted in a different place. My own confidence rests at the very core of my being. I don't mean to say that I find myself completely lacking in the head confidence--just that those who are more outgoing than me seem to possess a particularly sharpened version of this kind of confidence. I experience my own sense of self-confidence as a kind of wellspring that springs up from the depths of my heart and soul. It is rooted in the fact that I genuinely love and embrace myself and all that I am in a completely honest and authentic way. The reason I can verify it is authentic is because, as I now consider some of those traits I have, in the past, been tempted to think I want for myself, I recognize without any doubt that there is nothing I already possess within myself that I would ever be willing to give up in order to get any of those other things. Not a single thing! When I take full stock of my own unique inventory of traits that make up who I really am, I am wholeheartedly convinced that I ended up with the much better end of the bargain. My confidence rests securely in knowing that I am top shelf material. When people are only paying attention to the surface, they can end up missing out on some of my best qualities. That's because I don't do superficial very well. But, for those who know that the best stuff is usually found on the top shelf...sometimes hidden away in the back, and maybe a little to the left...amazing surprises are in store. And that's the kind of mate I hope to find one day--the one who is both eager and perceptive enough to seek me out. The one who is willing to see beyond the superficial and dig a little deeper to find their gold. And I won't settle for anything less, because I want top shelf in return.

The way I see it, head confidence is the kind of confidence that can actually be strengthened and grown through practice. I'm not so sure the same is true for that deep inner confidence that is conveyed by a resilient, blazing inner light that never burns out. I happen to love my light. And I am absolutely unwilling to trade it in for anything else.

Welcome to My Reality

It has been well over a year since my last blog post here. I've still been scribbling in the margins of life whenever and wherever I can--in journals, letters, through poetry, on napkins... I even started another blog centered around a very particular part of my life's journey: http://lifeinloss.blogspot.com/. But lately I've been feeling pulled to return to this space and continue processing and sharing what I am learning about life and myself through my various life adventures.

Over the last several months I have been processing a lot about the experience of meeting new people. It has seemed to me the biggest obstacle in getting to know someone new is the very fact that I do not, yet, know the person! Allow me to explain. I've discovered that when we meet someone for the first time, EVERYTHING is literally taken out of context--because there is no shared context. Thus, when we first meet someone, what we experience of that person seems to have much less to do with who the person really is and more to do with our own personal projections onto that person. Because there is not yet any shared context, our brain kicks into gear trying to assimilate that person into the context of our own personal history of thoughts, feelings and experiences. Our brain is trying to, at least temporarily, fill in the blanks for what is not yet known. We work to make that person fit what we already know. If we are lucky, as we get to know the person over time, our false assumptions will fall away as we begin to genuinely experience who the other person really is--a shared context begins to develop and we learn how to more accurately receive them, so to speak. This will happen more easily when both people are fairly self-aware and possess effective communication skills.

All of this reminds me, again, of why I love this quote by Anais Nin: "We don't see things as they are. We see things as we are." I think this means that in order to begin to authentically see things as they truly are, or at least come closer to this, we have to be open enough that we are willing to be changed, ourselves. Otherwise, the world is always going to look the same to us, and our experience of "reality" is going to be so much more limited.

I've also spent a lot of time over the last several months trying to define myself--it's been an engaging, dynamic, self-reflective process. Frustrating at times, as well. In meeting new people, I repeatedly keep running head-first into the question, "Tell me about yourself..." No matter how I answer this question, I'm always dissatisfied, as it feels like I'm being forced to sum up in just a few small words something that can't be condensed to that level without significant, meaningful pieces of myself being lost through the process. During my traveling for this Thanksgiving, the words to express this experience finally started coming together (solo road trips are great opportunities for life "processing"!). I share them in the poem below.

You ask me who I am
But I can't tell you
For I've realized the very moment I define myself
I suddenly cease being who I say that I am
For there is no box large enough to contain me
My soul is living and dynamic, open and fluid
I engage the world
And don't fear being changed by it
Yet in spite of this I remain constant
I love, I think
I observe, I reflect
I question, I admit
I admire, I believe
I strive, I pray
I fall, I rise
I laugh, I cry
I hope, I feel
I sweat, I breathe
I dance
I sing

I am
Present and future, more than the past
Possibilities more than regrets
Living into my potential
Becoming more myself every day

I see the problem now
We try to use adjectives and nouns to describe ourselves
But we are, in fact, verbs
Our actions speaking much louder than words

And this is why
I cannot tell you who I am
I can only show you
But it is going to take a lifetime