"I am not afraid, I was born to do this!" -Joan of Arc
I was reflecting last night about some residual thoughts from a lunch conversation earlier in the day with Anna, a fellow librarian. I find myself in an interesting and exciting place in terms of thinking about my future and all the possibilities for success. As I reflect on where I have come from and where I am going, I determined last night that I am currently in the mode of reinventing myself. What an empowering thought! Most empowering about that thought is that I actually believe it!
I have always been a shy person. Some of that shyness was my natural quietness. But another portion of it was dictated to me by others. I didn't know I was shy until others defined me that way. Growing up, I internalized that label and accepted it as an accurate definition. It was also clear to me that my shyness was a weakness--no one ever boasts shyness as one of their personality traits! It was something to be ashamed of--a curse of sorts.
I am not always in "shy mode." When I am comfortable, I am less shy. One-on-one settings, gatherings with close friends and family, situations in which my role is clear and well-defined...these are all times in which the "real me" can come alive.
In school this past year there have been a couple of occassions in which I successfully portrayed myself as un-shy. Internally I still have the same anxieties to respond to, but externally I am learning how to actively project confidence. "I fooled them once again!" became my cheerful mantra. In the past when well-respected teachers and friends have insisted I would be an excellent teacher I balked at the idea. Yeah, right: me, standing up in front of a room engaging in "public speaking" to the entire classroom for a living. This was not my vision of a successful future! Now I am beginning to see glimpses of my giftedness and potential for doing such things as well as appreciating that I might actually enjoy it!
I am, in fact, reinventing myself. Tearing off the shy labels and beginning to replace each one with confidence. If I project myself as confident, act as if I am confident....how is this any different than truly being confident? I'm not so sure there is much difference, except perhaps what I might feel on the inside. But, I think it is like any newly learned skill: the more you practice the more natural it will become.
One thing is for certain. I am loving library school and am excited about the many possibilities open to me in my future. "I am not afraid, I was born to do this!"
2 comments:
What an exciting time to be reinventing yourself. I liked what you said about others labeling you as shy and then internalizing that as your self concept. I think as people who tend to observe and listen more than we talk, a lot of times others take this as shyness which is not the same thing. I was always a little taken aback when people perceived me as being shy in a situation where I felt totally comfortable and relaxed just because of my quiet nature. To be a quiet person, does not necessarily mean to be a shy person. People who listen deeply to others and the world around them are still engaging their environment and sometimes even on a much deeper level than people who may be projected to be very "outgoing" or "sociable". I think it is great that you are redefining how you and others perceive your nature and it is exciting to hear of your growing confidence.
Thank you, Cindy, for contributing your thoughts on this topic as well. I especially like what you said about "engaging your environment." That's a perceptive way of looking at it!
I think I also forgot to include in my original posting the commentary regarding the fact that I have grown to embrace my quietness and introversion as a gift. A gift that I find invaluable to my persona and character and how I relate to the world. There is a depth and richness that I experience in "engaging my environment" that I would not be willing to trade in even for the promise of perfect self-confidence and sociability.
I'm thinking now of a song by Bette Midler on her Bathhouse Betty album: "I'm Beautiful." I'll have to post the lyrics for those who don't know it. Listen to it if you can...it's great!
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